Pete Hegseth’s war God is a wrathful, vengeful, violent Guy,
Who springs into action when the righteous missiles start to fly.
Pete’s God is a Christian evangelical,
With, we assume, adamantine testicles,
Who sends “overwhelming violence of action” raining down from on high.
Trump joined Israel to attack Iran with bluster and bravado,
But four weeks in, he’s looking for a way out of the imbroglio.
So he postponed blowing up Iran’s power lines,
Which, by the way, is a humanitarian crime,
Now it’s Tuesday in Tehran, and time for a typical Trump T.A.C.O.
In his latest fight against windmills, Trump seems to have won,
Canceling $1 billion in wind farm leases by a French corporation.
If the French invest it in American oil and gas,
We give them every one of the billion dollars back,
Which seems like a really stupid way for a government to be run.
And here we thought the Iran War was happening way over there,
In the Middle East, half a world away, so … nothing to fear.
Then the State Department had to blurt
A terrifying Worldwide Caution Alert,
Because, as it turns out, Americans aren’t safe on earth anywhere.
Trump’s sending ICE agents to airports to bolster the TSA,
‘Cause those TSA guys are calling in sick or working sans pay.
Now, if you try to carry on a 5-ounce shampoo,
Here’s what an ICE airport security agent’ll do:
Zip-tie your wrists and march you off to somewhere far, far away.
To join Trump’s cabinet is to open oneself to ill-use and abuse,
They wanted power and prominence, and now they’re paying their dues.
They endure public humiliations
And suffer ongoing degradations,
But worst of all, they now have to wear those “goddamned Florsheim shoes.”*
*H/T to Jake Gittes
Need a way around the Strait of Hormuz? Just ask Newt Gingrich.
We assume he didn’t know his repost was satire, which is rich.
He suggested dropping a few megatons,
And BOOM! Hormuz problem be gone!
Then you’d have a deep, wide and only slightly radioactive ditch.
As Trump & Co. press their war on Iran with relentless zeal,
Trump finds Marco Rubio’s “power free of principle” has appeal.
Rubio is taking his brand of neoconservatism,
And merging it with Trump’s transactionalism,
Creating regime compliance — not change — a “doctrine of destroy and deal.”
While Iran is closing down the Straits of Hormuz,
Trump’s buying cabinet members Florsheim shoes.
He’s not focused on the war,
But he’s on top of the decor,
Would someone please make Trump watch something besides Fox News?
At the Pentagon, the Fourth Estate is taking a battering,
With the top-tier media outlets reduced to woolgathering.
And as if to add insult to injury,
Pete Hegseth, in a narcissistic fury,
Banned photographers for taking photos he said were “unflattering.”
There was a gay, black journo named Don Lemon,
Who stopped in Minneapolis to ask questions.
But ICE got to arresting
And now Trump’s lawyers are testing
The use of the civil rights FACE Act to convict ‘im.
