Don Jr. and Bettina are finding out marriage ain’t a walk in the park,
Not even when your daddy is a self-proclaimed genius and wannabe monarch.
It began with a small private wedding ceremony,
But the after-parties were where it really got tony,
With fireworks and a private Bahamian island, paid for by a Russian oligarch.
Pundits say that Trump’s $5,000 midterm bribe was an overreach,
And they agree that if lies were a crime, he’d be impeached.
Despite all the dividend promises he’s made,
The fact is, not one has ever been paid,
So even before the midterms, he already owes us $8,000* each.
*$5000 stimulus checks via “DOGE dividend”; $2000 stimulus checks via a “tariff dividend”; $1000-plus checks via “savings” from expiring Affordable Care Act subsidies
On the opening night of the midterm convention called “Trumpalooza,”
Donald Trump made a proposal worthy of a Japanese gangster yakuza.
If the Republicans fend off a rising blue tide,
Trump will give every American a $5,000 bribe,
Which demonstrates the desperation of America’s Chief Bamboozler.
Trump’s renaming of Lake Ontario has created a litmus test —
Yield, and rename it Lake America, at Donald Trump’s behest,
Like Google and Apple, which already capitulated,
Changing the name just like Dear Leader stipulated,
But there’s one defiant holdout — the original mapping site, Mapquest.
Donald Trump Jr. fancies himself a bit of a bon vivant,
And since he took over 1789 Capital, the firm’s gone buoyant.
Its assets swelled from $200 million,
In just a few months to over $3 billion,
An arc that lawmakers say ain’t just savvy, it’s clairvoyant.
Donald Trump’s latest tariff move beggars belief,
He says he’s providing some needed price relief.
But the move will most certainly harm
The folks who own ranches and farms.
Trump thinks he’ll win the midterms with cheap imported beef.
He’s upended the traditional food pyramid, he wants you to know,
And he’s protected us from vaccinations, though not measles and polio.
He’s tackling the goal of food affordability,
He’s extolling roadkill, which is cheap — there’s plenty!
And now Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is going to have his own TV cooking show.
Trump and the Iranians seem to be in different realities,
Though they share a callousness toward the war’s casualties.
Is Trump insane
Or just insanely vain?
And how can we extract ourselves from his “Quagmire of the Vanities?”
H/T to Taegan Goddard
With Burmese pythons the Florida Everglades are overrun,
We’re killing some, but what do you do with a dead one?
Well, a guy in Fort Myers takes the dead snakes
And using every part of them, products he makes,
So he’ll trade you a free “specialty” pizza for a dead python.
The Freedom Gas Network mystery has been solved,
Almost overnight in PA and NJ the stations evolved.
So, we wonder, how do they keep
Gas prices so relatively cheap?
Some think that 200,000 gallons of stolen fuel is involved.
Don Jr. and Bettina are finding out marriage ain’t a walk in the park,
Not even when your daddy is a self-proclaimed genius and wannabe monarch.
It began with a small private wedding ceremony,
But the after-parties were where it really got tony,
With fireworks and a private Bahamian island, paid for by a Russian oligarch.
