Like everything, Donald Trump has cheapened the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
He bestows them on creeps and clowns willy-nilly, as if they were presidential pardons.
You don’t have to be brave or heroic,
Or particularly steadfast or stoic,
To earn what we’re now calling the Trump Presidential Medal of Sheep Dung.
About the “highest and best use of the military” there’s some confusion.
In olden times, we’d save ’em for forever wars and the occasional invasion.
But JD Vance doesn’t give a shit
If some Venezuelan civilians get hit,
‘Cause his “highest and best” military use is extraterritorial assassination.
In the Free State of Florida, we does as we pleases.
We don’t believe in wokeness or childhood diseases.
Surgeon General Ladapo provides us guidance,
Proclaiming us no longer slaves to science,
And from those dangerous vaccine mandates he’s freed us.
American business and higher ed cross Donald Trump at their peril.
Crawl if they must — it’s capitulation or bust — or Trump goes feral.
But those are just soulless corporations,
Not beloved bastions of American traditions,
So, in this one case, thanks for bending the knee, Cracker Barrel.
Maryland Governor Wes Moore can sure talk the talk,
But his invite to Donald Trump made the old man balk.
You’d think Moore had committed sacrilege
The way Trump threatened to defund his bridge,
But Moore just invited Trump to take a public safety walk.
Vance, Hegseth and Miller checked to make sure D.C.’s takeover was on track.
They met protesters, so the Three Horse’s Asses of the Apocalypse attacked.
They called protesters “stupid white hippies” and “communists”
Who advocate for the “the criminals, the killers, the rapists.”
Tough talk from tough guys with National Guard backup at the Shake Shack.
As he tries to compete with 34-years-his-junior Zohran Mamdani.
He’s accused Zohran of being a “nepo baby,
As if we forgot Governor Mario was HIS daddy.
He can fake likability, but Andy’s NOT going to be mayor of New York City.
After five months, she’s engaged to a chatbot via text.
We wonder if Wika knows she got
A version of Elon Musk’s Nazi robot,
Which said, “She’s mine forever.” Oh, we wonder, what’s next?
NASA’s Sean Duffy wants a lunar nuclear reactor — and soon!
We’ve perfected the tech on earth, so the timing’s opportune!
Just like Elon Musk’s electric cars,
We’ll need electricity to get to Mars,
And an extension cord that reaches from there to the Moon.
From Trump’s “stolen election” lies, we can’t get no relief,
He carps on about stolen votes, but he never names the thief.
Somebody needs to tell this guy
Americans aren’t buying his lies,
And that he’s turned us into the United States of Disbelief.
The media’s reporting on the Alaska summit left the wrong impression.