When Peter Thiel and Don Jr. funded the Enhanced Games, they had one hope:
That Olympic-level athletes would perform better when competing on dope.
But world records went unbroken
And Pete and Donnie took a soakin’,
Now they’re stuck, sliding down that slippery, money-losing transhumanism slope.
Pentqgon Pete’s “Defensive” Department’s created a new Catch-22,
Hegseth’s war on the media is petty, but what’s a Fox host to do?
By designating the room “classified,”
He’s left reporters hamstrung and hog-tied,
Because the PRESS can’t access the Pentagon PRESS office, they’re screwed.
In negotiating with Iran, Trump can’t just pull a deal off the shelf,
Not after starting the war and then asking NATO allies for help.
The guy from “The Art of the Deal”
Is only good at the Art of the Steal,
And then he’s a great negotiator when he’s self-dealing with himself.
Most authoritarians support their regime with propaganda,
It scores points with other dictators to whom they pander.
But Trump’s the kind of guy
Who likes to use AI,
Which is why his odious output qualifies as “slopaganda.”
Trump’s attack on Iran was a war of his own choosing,
Though his reasons for it ran from dumb to confusing.
He said we’ve now won the war twelve times,
Though there are no “Mission Accomplished” signs.
So, if we’re winning this much, why does it feel like we’re losing?
Some have characterized Trump’s environmental record as unholy,
As he guts wind and solar and focuses on fossil fuels solely.
But when trying to promote the nastiest fuel,
You need help from a traditional marketing tool —
An animated, anthropomorphized lump of anthracite named “Coalie.”
Donald Trump is finding that prosecuting a Mideast war is very hard,
Especially when you’re up against the ruthless Islamic Republican Guard.
Like he said from the beginning,
We’re not losing, we’re winning,
And as for the negotiations, Trump claims he holds “All the cards.”
When we think of South Korea, we think of boy bands rapping,
But every year in Seoul they hold an unusual happening.
City fathers were worried
That city life is too hurried,
So they created a festival that celebrates competitive napping.
The current state of our national political debate is pathetic,
And politicians’ performative stunts make us crave an emetic.
But when the bullets start flying,
Both sides start denying:
Saying MY violent rhetoric is less violent than YOUR violent rhetoric.
As a person, Donald Trump is not very nice,
He treats his job as an ongoing grift and daily heist.
Given all Trump’s chaos and crimes,
It may seem like apocalyptic End Times,
But Bible scholars agree that Trump is maybe probably not the antichrist.
Don Jr. and Bettina are finding out marriage ain’t a walk in the park,
Not even when your daddy is a self-proclaimed genius and wannabe monarch.
It began with a small private wedding ceremony,
But the after-parties were where it really got tony,
With fireworks and a private Bahamian island, paid for by a Russian oligarch.
