Tag: Humor

34th First Annual Ig Nobel Prizes Feature Dead Trout, Guidance Pigeons, Drunk Worms

Buck Banks

From IFL Science:

The 2024 Ig Nobel Prizes have been announced, and once again prove that science can be funny, which only sometimes gets in the way of it being good.

Highlights this year include research comparing the movements of live and dead trout, and sober and drunk worms. Apparently, being drunk may harm a worm’s capacity for movement more than being dead interferes with trout’s.

The Ig Nobel awards each year honor (or dishonor) research that “first makes you laugh, and then makes you think.” One such discovery won this year’s Ig Nobel for Medicine with the revelation that side-effects may make medicine more effective. How did the authors discover this important information? They gave people placebos (ie fake medications with no ingredients targeted at their condition). The capacity of the human mind to heal ourselves, at least partially, when given a treatment we think will work is remarkable, but requires some sort of belief.

Hilarious Twitter Posts on Trump’s Presser at the Other Four Seasons

Trish

As if you weren’t feeling great enough this morning following the incredible event last night featuring our new president-elect and the country’s first female vice president-elect. Maybe we’re still giddy but the posts on Twitter following Trump’s announcement of a big press conference at the Four Seasons — no, not THAT Four Seasons…well anyway, see for yourself.

[…]

Trump Shows Off His Own Circle of Hell

Buck Banks

CREDIT: justplainpolitics.com
From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Ella Gale

I’m the first guy to get a whole circle, it’s terrific. They evicted the Kennedys to put it in. Nobody, and I mean nobody else got this much abyss. Moody Judy Iscariot lives in a studio apartment in Satan’s mouth. Sad! Welcome to Mar-a-Lava.

Look at my pit. I have the deepest pit with the sharpest knives. These other guys, they have shallow fork holes, it’s pathetic. You should have seen how many demons came to my desecration. Packed like sardines. The noise was incredible. Biggest horde ever. They all wanted a piece of me. Good thing the pieces grew back. Very powerful agony!

It’ll take us ten minutes to get across the snake field. Huge hassle, but every time I ask for a golf cart a maggot-eyed horror pokes me with a solid gold pitchfork. Watch. Can we get a golf cart? [A moist crunching followed by an agonized shriek]. They have to send [several seconds of gasping] their biggest and strongest demon because gold is so soft and the pitchfork is so heavy.

[…]

White Supremacy Euphemism Generator for Journalists

Buck Banks

StockUnlimited
StockUnlimited
Just when journalists are looking at at least four years of trying to come up with synonyms for “white supremacist,” BoingBoing creates a much needed mechanism.

Reading recent coverage of Donald Trump’s friends on the far right, it struck me that even when people pander to the idea Western culture’s wellbeing is inseparable from European ethnicity, they somehow avoid being called white nationalists or supremacists by journalists.

Generate some creative headlines here.

Mitt Romney Tells an Obama Joke

Buck Banks

mitt-romney-thumbs-upWhile campaigning in Iowa, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney proves his sense of humor is as sharp today as it was during the 2012 campaign, as reported by National Journal:

“President Obama went to the bank to cash a check and he didn’t have his ID. And the teller said you’ve got to prove who you are.”

“He said, ‘How should I do that?’ She said the other day Phil Mickelson came in, he didn’t have his ID but he set up a little cup on the ground, took a golf ball, putted it right into that cup so they knew it was Phil Mickelson. They cashed his check. And then Andre Agassi came in. And Andre Agassi didn’t have his ID either. He put a little target on the wall, took a tennis ball and racquet — hit it onto that target every time. We knew that was Andre Agassi so we cashed his check.”

“And she said to him, ‘Is there anything you can do to prove who you are?’ And [Obama] said, ‘I don’t have a clue.'”

“And she said, ‘Well, Mr. President, do you want your money in small bills or large bills.'”

It was side-splitting jokes like that one that garnered Mitt’s inclusion into the “Encyclopedia of Mormon Comedians.”

The Political Memoir Title Generator

Buck Banks

To mark the publication of Hillary Clinton’s political ad, er, memoir, TIME magazine has created a Political Memoir Generator that operates off of several time-honored memoir-naming schemes. Now you too can have an aptly — and automatically — named memoir with inspiring cover art.

I tried several different designs and finally chose “Buck Banks: Earnest Grit,” as being most representative of my political career. Share yours in the comments section.

The Onion: Poll Supports Sending Congress to Syria

Trish

The Onion* proposes the only good solution to the Syria problem.

The New York Times/CBS News poll showed that though just 1 in 4 Americans believe that the United States has a responsibility to intervene in the Syrian conflict, more than 90 percent of the public is convinced that putting all 535 representatives of the United States Congress on the ground in Syria—including Senate pro tempore Patrick Leahy, House Speaker John Boehner, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and, in fact, all current members of the House and Senate—is the best course of action at this time.

“I believe it is in the best interest of the United States, and the global community as a whole, to move forward with the deployment of all U.S. congressional leaders to Syria immediately,” respondent Carol Abare, 50, said in the nationwide telephone survey, echoing the thoughts of an estimated 9 in 10 Americans who said they “strongly support” any plan of action that involves putting the U.S. House and Senate on the ground in the war-torn Middle Eastern state. “With violence intensifying every day, now is absolutely the right moment—the perfect moment, really—for the United States to send our legislators to the region.”

“In fact, my preference would have been for Congress to be deployed months ago,” she added.

*A source for satire.

Exclusive: Pensito Review Obtains Partial al Qaeda Conference Call Transcript

Buck Banks

Pensito Review has acquired a partial transcript of the recent conference call between 20 al Qaeda leaders that was intercepted by U.S. national security personnel and led to the temporary closing of 22 U.S. embassies. The call was first reported Wednesday by the Daily Beast. Here is the partial transcript that we have obtained from an anonymous source close to the investigation:

(ring)

Hello, welcome to the AT&T Conference Center. You have accessed the al Qaeda network sponsored by as-Sahab.

Your host, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has not yet arrived. Please hold, your terrorist masterminds conference will begin shortly.

To make your conference call experience as productive as possible, please listen closely to the following menu.

If you are a leader of al Qaeda on the Arabian Peninsula, press one.

If you are a leader of al Qaeda in Yemen, press two.

If you are a leader of al Shabab, press three.

If you are a leader of another al Qaeda franchise, splinter group or renegade terrorist cell, press four.

If you are a mullah from an unincorporated tribal area who would like to become an al Qaeda franchisee, press five.

If you are a disaffected American or British subject seeking to join al Qaeda or one of its subsidiaries or affiliates, press six.

Please note that for the convenience of other conference participants, all callers except the host will have their lines muted to reduce the sounds of ongoing firefights, Arab Spring uprisings or U.S. drone attacks that could disrupt the call.

This conference call is moderated. If you would like to join the conversation and denounce the Western infidels, press the pound key and an operator will place your insane Islamist diatribe into the conference queue.

Please hold. Your conference will begin shortly.

Thank you for using AT&T.

(disconnect, dial tone)