Tag: Satire

Trump Shows Off His Own Circle of Hell

Buck Banks

CREDIT: justplainpolitics.com
From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Ella Gale

I’m the first guy to get a whole circle, it’s terrific. They evicted the Kennedys to put it in. Nobody, and I mean nobody else got this much abyss. Moody Judy Iscariot lives in a studio apartment in Satan’s mouth. Sad! Welcome to Mar-a-Lava.

Look at my pit. I have the deepest pit with the sharpest knives. These other guys, they have shallow fork holes, it’s pathetic. You should have seen how many demons came to my desecration. Packed like sardines. The noise was incredible. Biggest horde ever. They all wanted a piece of me. Good thing the pieces grew back. Very powerful agony!

It’ll take us ten minutes to get across the snake field. Huge hassle, but every time I ask for a golf cart a maggot-eyed horror pokes me with a solid gold pitchfork. Watch. Can we get a golf cart? [A moist crunching followed by an agonized shriek]. They have to send [several seconds of gasping] their biggest and strongest demon because gold is so soft and the pitchfork is so heavy.

[…]

A 20-Question Quiz for the Media

Buck Banks

1680283We live in an era where the very foundations of journalism are increasingly under attack, where “fake news” is ascendent and the intellect and attention span of the public is on the decline.

In response, the editors of Pensito Review, in consultation with researchers at the Moscow Center for Media Studies, have crafted this 20-question quiz to help journalists clarify their mission and find their place in the cosmos during the current Trump administration.

1. Are you feeling depressed, demoralized, disgusted, disenfranchised or simply dissed by the state of the news media and its public perception today? (select one)

  • One of them
  • Two of them
  • Three of them
  • All of them
  • None of them

[…]

Tea Party Patriots, Stand Up, Don’t Be Counted! Boycott the 2010 U.S. Census

Dr. Democrat

Dear Dr. Democrat:

Is it true that Tea Partiers are boycotting the 2010 Census, and if so, why should I join them?

– A. Hugh Patriot

Dear Hugh:

Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota, one of the heroes of the Tea Party movement, called for a boycott of the Census last year. Now, as Obama prepares to send out 2010 Census forms, many true Tea Party patriots are considering protesting via non-participation.

Here are five reasons Tea Party activists might object to the Census, written in the style of the paranoid emails that our friends on the right send each other. Please feel free to email this list to every Tea Party patriot you know:

1. Obama and the entire Democrat Party support the Census, which is sufficient cause for suspicion among Tea Party activists on all other issues.

2. Many libertarians believe the Census should not be under government control, not just because it is bona fide socialism, but also because, unlike private industry, government is inept. Who knows what mistakes the government has made in censuses over the past two centuries? Libertarians believe the Census should be outsourced to a private company with experience collecting data, like Equifax, Experian or other credit reporting companies, which hardly ever make mistakes.

3. According to World Net Daily, the popular conservative news site, Obama seized control of the Census from the Commerce Department within weeks after he assumed the presidency. The fact that the 2010 Census will be taken under the direction of the Obama White House worries Rep. Bachmann, who has raised concerns that Americans’ personal data could end up in the hands of ACORN. What ACORN might do with it is anyone’s guess.

4. Bachmann also pointed out that the government has used Census information in the past to round up Americans and force them into concentration camps. She cited the example of the internment of thousands of patriotic Americans of Japanese descent by FDR’s Democrat socialist government during World War II.

5. The Obama administration has already put patriots on notice that it will fine anyone who refuses to submit to the Census. However, boycott supporters say that if the government can’t round up 20 million illegal aliens, how could it possibly find millions of real Americans who boycott the Census because they choose to exercise their rights to be free of government intrusion?

For these reasons, true Patriots believe it is crucial that their fellow activists boycott the 2010 Census — so that their voices will not be heard by the career politicians in Washington.

I can’t say I agree with them, but it is fine with me — and better for the country — if the tea party folks leave governing the United States to the smart people.