Year: 2007

DeLay Does a Coulter to Sell Books, Accuses Reid, Pelosi of Treason

Jon Ponder

Pathetic: While he waits for his trial on corruption-related charges to begin, Tom DeLay is out promoting his book. (I seriously can’t think of the title and don’t feel like looking it up.) Sales must not be going well because today he stole a page out of Ann Coulter’s playbook and emitted something deeply controversial in front of a video camera:

The worst thing we could do to Tom is ignore him.

DELAY: I think Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are getting very, very close to treason.

INTERVIEWER: Treason. Now that’s a pretty serious charge.

DELAY: And I’m serious about it. For the Majority Leader of the United States Senate in the time of war, with soldiers dying on the ground, announcing that we had lost the war, is very close to treasonous.

I looked it up while we were driving over here, what the definition of treason is. It’s the betrayal of trust. I have never in my adult life, nor in my understanding of history, seen something so blatantly outrageous for political reasons.

There is so much wrong with this it’s hard to know where to begin. During the Clinton era, DeLay said this:

“[Milosevic is] stronger in Kosovo now than he was before the bombing. … The Serbian people are rallying around him like never before. He’s much stronger with his allies, Russians and others.” Clinton “has no plan for the end” and “recognizes that Milosevic will still be in power,” added DeLay. “The bombing was a mistake. … And this president ought to show some leadership and admit it, and come to some sort of negotiated end.”

And treason is not simply a “betrayal of trust” — or every cheating spouse would be hanged for treason. Here’s the actual definition:

Treason against the United States, shall consist only in levying war against them, or in adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort. No person shall be convicted of treason unless on the testimony of two witnesses to the same overt act, or on confession in open court.

But even with all that being said, the worst thing we could do to Tom is ignore him.

Checklist: Is Your Husband Gay?

Trish

As a public service to help other women avoid becoming the next Mrs. Gov. Jim McGreevey or Mrs. Rev. Ted Haggard, there’s a new book and handy checklist. Bonnie Kaye has produced, “Is He Gay? A Checklist of Women Who Wonder.”

Editor’s note: Shouldn’t that be, “A Checklist FOR Women Who Wonder?”

Anyway, listen up if you have that nagging feeling hubby just isn’t all that into you. Or your best friend. Or your sister.

“The Gay Husband Checklist”

1. If your husband thinks you are a nymphomaniac or “pushy and aggressive” because you want sex twice a week.

2. If sexual activity steeply declines within the first few years of marriage.

3. You’re always more sexually aggressive than your husband.

4. If your husband is turned off by the thought of touching your vaginal area or performing oral sex on you.

5. If his best friend is gay.

6. If he hangs out in gay bars.

7. If he enjoys watching gay porn movies and surfing gay porn Web sites.

8. If he is excessively homophobic, mocking and imitating other gay men.

9. If he brags about gay men complimenting him on his looks.

She left out number 10, but I think it’s, “If your husband has seen Brokeback Mountain six times but you’ve seen it eight.”

I have to ask about numbers 6 and 7. Can you say, “Duh?”

Quote du Jour

Buck Banks

If we were to do the Second Coming of Christ in color for a full hour, there would be a considerable number of stations which would decline to carry it on the grounds that a Western or a quiz show would be more profitable.

— Edward R. Murrow

Help Gays Pursue Their Agenda

Buck Banks

I keep bugging Editor-In-Chief Jon about it, but he won’t give it up. You know what I’m talking about — the homosexual agenda. Wingnuts and Bible thumpers are convinced that there is a homosexual agenda, that gays have banded together and developed an agenda of some sort, and are actively pursuing it. But Jon won’t tell me what it is.

Nonetheless, this being the Benighted States of America, I believe that homosexuals should be able to pursue their own agenda — whatever it is — with all the freedoms granted to them by the Bill of Rights and the United States Constitution.

Always astute editrix Trish alerted us to the latest assault on the homosexual agenda, courtesy of the American Family Association, which asked this pressing question: Should corporations be promoting homosexuality?

Several corporations are now supporting the homosexual agenda. These companies have been convinced by homosexual activists and the mainstream media that in order to be “fair and tolerant,” companies must make special rules for homosexuals and provide company money and resources to help promote their lifestyle. Many companies, at the urging of these groups, have also begun to support same-sex marriage.

The AFA, in pursuit of its own agenda of “motivating and equipping citizens to change the culture” is cleverly couching its anti-gay slant in a totally non-sectarian survey here. It’s a simple, one-question questionnaire:

If a corporation supports the homosexual agenda, would you:

  • Be more likely to do business with that company
  • Be less likely to do business with that company
  • It would not affect my buying decision

Doesn’t get much more straightforward than that, does it? And now you see my problem — how can I honestly answer that question without knowing what the “homosexual agenda” is? Well, the AFA discovered the homosexual agenda, as promulgated in 1987 by “gay revolutionary” Michael Swift and reprinted as a public service by the AFA along with footnotes that chronicle how successful gays have been in advancing their agenda.

So do the homosexuals a favor and vote in the AFA’s survey. Currently, enlightened folk who are more likely to do business with a corporation that supports gay rights are running far behind, with less than 6,300 votes, versus 189,000 nimrods who say they would be less likely to do business with a corporation that supports the homosexual agenda.

I think it’s the only way we straights are ever going to be able to figure out what the heck those pesky homosexuals are really up to with their agenda and all that. Maybe if we vote for them, they’ll tell us what it is. Right Jon?

Vermonters Pushing for Bush’s Impeachment

Buck Banks

If only there were more of them: Bolstered by a recent state senate bill to impeach President George Bush, Vermont activists are heading back to the state capital of Montpelier Wednesday to ramp up pressure on the the state house of representatives to pass a similar bill. More than 130 people (a significant portion of the state’s population) showed up last week to urge lawmakers to pass the impeachment resolution. Organizers are hoping for even more people to show up at the Statehouse cafeteria Wednesday morning.

‘We will descend upon them and lobby them actively, politely and vociferously.’
— Dan DeWalt

The resolution calls for the impeachment of both Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.

You go, Vermonters!

Quote du Jour

Buck Banks

As to the Christian system of faith, it appears to me as a species of atheism; a sort of religious denial of God. It professes to believe in a man rather than in God. It is a compound made up chiefly of man-ism with but little deism, and is as near to atheism as twilight to darkness.

— Thomas Paine

Subway Wants You to Eat Fresh, as Long as It’s Meat

Trish

As a vegetarian, I’m used to a little drama when I order food. But at Subway? You know, Subway, that has Jarrod, urging us away from Big Macs? Whatever.

Against my better judgment — as it’s never been exactly smooth at the Subway nearest where I work on Saturday — I decided to pass over Taco Bell and Burger King and “Eat fresh” for lunch.

Subway offers a veggie patty sandwich, but do they train their employees on what to do in case someone wants to eat one?

The line was to the door, full of big guys in matching t-shirts from the Fire Fighting program at the local training academy. I waited, and waited, and waited some more as each one ordered a double meat special with extra meat and a side of meat. There was a moment of entertainment when one of the Butthead-like kids making sandwiches forgot about one he was toasting and smoke poured from the oven. Twenty guys went for the fire extinguisher at the same time.

When I finally got my turn to order, it was from a sandwich maker recently returned from break, who put out her cigarette and popped in some gum just before donning her plastic gloves to smoosh meat, meat, meat into bread.

She asked what I wanted, knife poised to slash into whatever bread I chose, but I said first, “Could I get you to change your gloves?” She stared at me. The 15 people behind me in line paused in their conversations. “For what reason?” she finally barked. For what reason? How about because the nice customer lady asked you to?

As I debated on the quickest way to tell her I didn’t want beef blood and salami grease all in my veggie delight, she figured it out. “You a vegetarian?” she asked. I said yes, and she waved her finger at Butthead, and said, “You have to talk to him.” I looked at him, busy burning someone else’s meat sub on a meat roll, back at her, said thanks, and walked out. I went to Burger King, where I ordered a B.K. Veggie without so much as one eye batted.

So here’s my question. Does Subway really mean it when they say they are vegetarian-friendly? Yes, they offer a veggie patty sandwich, but do they train their employees on what to do in case someone wants to eat one?

I know many of you are thinking that if I want to be a pain in the ass and spoil everyone’s party by not eating meat, I have it coming. As I said before, whatever. But did you happen to catch the study from the University of Rochester Medical Center that shows pregnant women who eat a lot of modern beef are lowering their male children’s sperm count?

…among the 51 men whose mothers were the highest beef eaters, almost 18 percent had sperm counts classified by the World Health Organization as “sub-fertile” (20 mill/ml or lower). By comparison, sperm concentrations were 24 percent higher for men whose mothers ate less beef, and only about 5 percent had sperm counts that could be classified as sub-fertile.

Mothers who reported eating an average of more than one meal a day of beef were referred to as “high beef consumers.” The average number of beef meals was 4.3 per week. Researchers also examined the mothers’ consumption of other meats (pork, lamb or veal), as well as fish, chicken, soy products and vegetables, but did not observe a significant association between sperm count and these other foods.

I’m just saying.

Good vs. Evil: Sheryl Crow vs. Karl Rove

Jon Ponder

As you have probably heard by now, at the annual White House Correspondents’ dinner on Saturday night, Karl Rove got ugly with Sheryl Crow when she had the temerity to question him about global warming. Here’s her version of the story, told with Laurie David, who was also on hand:

Reality has a liberal bias, as Stephen Colbert said. Bushies don’t like it when reality intrudes inside their bubble.

We reminded the senior White House advisor that the US leads the world in global warming pollution and we are doing the least about it. Anger flaring, Mr. Rove immediately regurgitated the official Administration position on global warming which is that the US spends more on researching the causes than any other country.

We felt compelled to remind him that the research is done and the results are in (www.IPCC.ch). Mr. Rove exploded with even more venom. Like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum, Mr. Rove launched into a series of illogical arguments regarding China not doing enough thus neither should we. (Since when do we follow China’s lead?) …

In his attempt to dismiss us, Mr. Rove turned to head toward his table, but as soon as he did so, Sheryl reached out to touch his arm. Karl swung around and spat, “Don’t touch me.” How hardened and removed from reality must a person be to refuse to be touched by Sheryl Crow? Unfazed, Sheryl abruptly responded, “You can’t speak to us like that, you work for us.” Karl then quipped, “I don’t work for you, I work for the American people.” To which Sheryl promptly reminded him, “We are the American people.”

At that point Mr. Rove apparently decided he had had enough. Like a groundhog fearful of his own shadow, he scurried to his table in an attempt to hibernate for another year from his responsibility to address global warming. Drama aside, you would expect as an American citizen to be able to engage in a civil discussion with a public official. Instead, Mr. Rove was dismissive, condescending, and quite frankly a bully.

Reality has a liberal bias, as Stephen Colbert said. Bushies don’t like it when reality intrudes inside their bubble.

Conservatives’ Plan to Arm College Campuses Could Backfire

Jon Ponder

Conservative utopia: In the wake of the Virginia Tech gun massacre, the conservative movement has exposed its utter lack of grounding in practical reality. Last week, both former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and former Speaker Newt Gingrich suggested that the solution to gun violence on campus is to arm every student, professor and (let’s assume) administration staff member.

DeLay was expelled from Baylor for drinking and vandalism. When Gingrich was a professor in Georgia, he was infamous for screwing his colleagues wives. Let’s assume they’re both glad there weren’t a lot of guns around back then.

Have these guys ever seen an episode of the “Real World” on MTV? Imagine the unintended consequences of, say, 20,000 18- to 21-year-olds on the average state college campus carrying fire arms:

  • Guns and alcohol are deadly mix, so every late-night party would have the potential of turning into a bloodbath, especially in the wee hours when young inexperienced drinkers are so blottoed that they have lost the ability to reason.
  • Maybe it’s news to conservatives, but drugs are widely available on campuses, too. Like alcohol, drugs and guns can be a lethal mix.
  • During college years, romantic relationships are at their most fluid. In a world in which every super-posessive young man or woman has a firearm in a drawer, cheaters had better watch their backs.
  • Hyper-achieving students often lose their grounding in reality as they try for good grades. Arming them would put noncompliant professors in their crosshairs.
  • Other students vent their frustration on themselves. Having guns readily available would increase the number of campus suicides.
  • Let’s not even start imagining how armed students might react if their college team loses the big game.

DeLay has apparently forgotten what college life is like. He was kicked out of Baylor University after two years for drinking and vandalism. If armed students at rival Texa A&M had caught him defacing a building on their campus, the Hammer would have been cut down in his prime. Instead, Baylor expelled him and he went on to achieve glory as the poster boy for Republican corruption.

Before he ran for Congress, Gingrich was a professor at a state university in the hinterlands of west Georgia. He ought to know better than to suggest arming campus denizens. Professor Gingrich was infamous for diddling his colleagues’ wives. Would he have wanted his fellow professors to be armed back then?

Quote du Jour

Jon Ponder

As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

— St. Paul, I Corinthians