Day: December 9, 2008

VRC Fringe: Obama Is the ‘Most Notorious Criminal in the History of the Planet’

Jon Ponder

They’re Baaack….

The fringe of the newly revitalized Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy (VRC) achieved remarkable success in its first attack on Barack Obama yesterday. With the help of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, a VRC member in good standing, the fringers forced the nation’s highest court to waste 15 minutes of its valuable time deciding whether to hear evidence that Obama is not a bona fide citizen of the United States. As Buck noted soon afterward, the court refused to hear the case.
“This is the largest hoax perpetrated against the United States in 200 years.”
— Philip Berg, Obama conspiracy theorist
But as we learned during the Clinton era, the VRC always gets the last word — and nothing they say is true can ever be proved false. True to form, the fringers held a news conference in D.C. yesterday to let the world know that their fight against Obama ain’t over, not hardly — and WaPo’s Dana Milbank was there:

“This is the largest hoax perpetrated against the United States in 200 years,” Philip Berg declared in a news conference at the National Press Club. His colleagues delivered the further news that “Barack Obama is the most notorious criminal in the history of this planet” and that the president-elect’s claim to be a natural-born American has “the potential to propel our nation into a time of great peril,” a time of “widespread chaos, disturbances to public tranquillity.”

Berg, a Pennsylvania lawyer and the author of another lawsuit alleging that Obama is not native-born, and therefore is not eligible to be president, sought to establish several facts. One: “He knows he was adopted in Indonesia.” Two: “He was born in Kenya.” Three: “His real name would be Barry Soetoro.” Four: “If he didn’t go through immigration, believe it or not Barack Obama would be an illegal alien today.” And five: “If and when the right court handles this matter, Barack Obama” and everybody around him “should really be tried criminally and many of them should go to jail.”

Obama’s birth certificate has been verified by Hawaiian authorities and non-partisan fact-checkers — all of which was a complete waste of time as far as the VRCers are concerned. “That document is a forgery, it’s a fraud, just like Barack Obama is,” Berg told reporters yesterday, according to Milbank. “His birth certificate will indicate he was born in Kenya.”

[…]

The Future’s So Bright We Can Already See It

Pensito Editors

crystal_ball.jpg

We’ve reluctantly — because we don’t want to abuse our supernatural powers — dusted off the Pensito Review crystal ball to make a few predictions for 2009.

  • On her first trip to Eastern Europe as secretary of state, Hillary Clinton is met in Bosnia with sniper fire.
  • Adam Sorkin creates a new West Wing-like television program based loosely on The Jeffersons sitcom where a black family moves into the White House and has to deal with a bunch of weird white people in Congress in a lot of forced, uncomfortable situations.
  • In his last few hours as president, Bush pardons Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzales, Michael Vicks, Mark Cuban, Ken Lay (posthumously), Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff, Mark Foley, Todd Palin (DUI), Ted Stevens, Duke Cunningham, Larry Craig, Bill O’Reilly (sexual harassment), Rush Limbaugh (prescription drug fraud), Phil Spector and O.J. Simpson.
  • Eliot Spitzer and Jon Edwards buy a Winnebago and a digital camera and hit the road for Panama City, Fla. during spring break for a new reality program called “Guys Gone Wild.”
  • It’s June 2009 and they’re still counting votes in Minnesota.
  • Jamie Lynn Spears, Angelina Jolie, Katie Holmes, Bristol Palin, Clay Aiken and those 17 high school girls in Gloucester, Mass., volunteer to be sterilized by aliens as a gesture of interplanetary goodwill.
  • The newspaper industry completely collapses, bankrupting Rupert Murdoch and Sam Zeller, and leaving the West Framforth Argus-Beacon the only print newspaper still publishing in the United States.
  • With its bailout money, the U.S. auto industry retools and comes out with the coolest hybrid ever made, called the Iaccoca. Unfortunately, although the vehicle initially is greeted with excitement and was hailed as having the potential to single-handedly cure our dependence on foreign oil, due to its name it is consigned to the dustbin of history alongside the Edsel.
  • In a desperate attempt to maintain its momentum from the presidential elections, Saturday Night Live starts doing skits involving Georgia’s president Mikhail Saakashvili, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and German Chancellor Angela Merkel — and nobody notices.
  • After poisoning our dogs’ food, our children’s toys and our toothpaste with melamine, China refines its efforts to kill members of both political parties by flooding the post-election market with lead-glazed Barack Obama commemorative plates and MSG-infused “Palin in 2012” T-shirts.
  • Larry King finally stops doing whatever it is he does.
  • On his first day in office, President Barack Obama signs Executive Order 1256 decreeing that no one, and he means no one, is supposed to pay one iota of attention to any celebrity who goes by just one name. That means you, Cher, Madonna, Beyonce, Oprah, et. al.
  • Newt Gingrich gets fatter, uglier and meaner.
  • So does Jeb Bush.
  • Al Gore just gets fatter and more saintlike.
  • General Motors apologizes to the American people for the Hummer, calling it “the single most obnoxious thing we ever did” and adding, “Our heads were up our butts, but we get it now. Buy a Chevy! LYLAS!”
  • It’s October 2009 and they’re still counting votes in Minnesota.
  • The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints apologizes for its role in the defeat of California’s Proposition 8, which bars gays from entering into a civil marriage contract. The Mormon Church issues a statement that to atone for its actions, it will immediately stop posthumously baptizing Nazis and Jews. Pinkie promise!
  • In what has been hailed as a further effort to seal his hetero creds, a honeymoon sex tape was released on the Internets of closeted Florida Gov. Charlie Crist and his blushing bride Carole Rome engaged in sexual acts that are illegal in every county of the state. The grainy, poor-quality tape confirms that Crist’s famous tan is an all-over one.
  • Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin agrees to appear on the cover of Playboy Magazine. “How many hockey moms do you know who can have four or five kids and still have a bodacious bod like this?” asked the former Miss Wasilla.

Guess What Today Is?

Trish

Today is the birthday of Pensito Review’s favorite Sagittarius, the Buckster himself! To honor Buck, Jon and I are having this practical yet stylish racing walker shipped directly to him from Wal-Mart. He might be old, but he’s not dead! Right? Hey Buck. Buck, can you hear me?

O.K., well here’s a very special horoscope, just for people like you, Rear Admiral Grace Hopper (computer pioneer), Kirk Douglas, John Malkovich, Sen. Tom Daschle, and Felicity Huffman, all born on Dec. 9. Get someone to find your glasses and then see if it sounds true:

A December 9 Sagittarius finds their identity through group involvement. These high-energy people enjoy being challenged and seem to have a knack for starting conflicts with authority. Loaded with a self-confidence that would seem like conceit in others, they’re unwilling to acknowledge the possibility of failure. They possess an edgy attitude that often draws them into controversy.

So far, so good.

December 9 natives are the envy of their friends. They surround themselves with people who know how to have a good time. They have a reputation for being fickle—

Whoops. Let’s just skip ahead a ways.

With the exception of childhood ailments and seasonal complaints, December 9 people can usually say they haven’t had a sick day in their lives. They owe much of their good health to a positive attitude. Exercise is the main component of any Sagittarian’s health program.

December 9 natives enjoy careers that let them travel. They’re talkative, extroverted individuals who make good teachers, tour guides, or language instructors. They love to spend money but don’t like to keep track of it.

Except for that positive attitude part, sounds like our Bucky.

So Buck, we hope you enjoy the walker and have the best birthday you can have on a Tuesday. And of course, many more!