HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Let’s hope the new one is better than the old one. We wish you and yours a safe, healthy and wingnut-free 2009.
Year: 2008
Pensito Review’s New Year’s Resolutions
Here at the ass-end of a particularly crappy year, it’s a time for quiet reflection and looking — however fearfully — ahead. So, casting off our usual mantle of obstreperous nonconformity, we mindlessly jump on the bandwagon of year-end cliches and offer for your edification and delight our resolutions for 2009.
- Vow to stay out of the Mickey Rourke/Sean Penn dust-up leading up to the Oscars.
- Stop feeling sorry for Caroline Kennedy when she says “you know” more than 50 times in an interview.
- Change our profligate ways and instead learn to pinch a penny until Lincoln screams.
- Make a firm commitment to you, our readers, not to use the word “recessionista” — the newly coined term for fashion mavens in a down economy — ever.
- Stop mentioning to people who’ve never watched her show how darned cute Rachel Maddow is.
- Eradicate from our vocabulary the overworked word “maverick” and replace it instead with “angry old white guy who will do anything to win.”
- Spend even more time searching the Internets for leads for Pensito Review, and even less time earning money.
- Stop referring to Rush Limbaugh as a “gas bag” and instead refer to him as a “great hulking goober of a gas bag.”
- Stop doing business with Bernie Madoff. Really.
- Become a bank and get us some of that bailout loot. GMAC did it — why can’t First Pensito National Citi Bank of America?
- Stop lying on our MySpace page.
- Start lying on our Facebook page.
- Keep our dog on the leash more, and when we let her off, stop yelling at her in front of people as if they will think more of us for at least recognizing our dog should be on a leash to begin with.
- Try our best to ignore Sarah Palin.
- Reduce, reuse, and recycle. Especially ideas for posts.
- Take all the Tracy Chapman songs off our iPod.
- Vow that as we write our memoirs, we leave out all references to love affairs through fences, drug and alcohol arrests, being saved by wolves, and Oprah Winfrey.
We resolve to stop referring to Rush Limbaugh as a “gas bag” and instead refer to him as a “great hulking goober of a gas bag.”
Those are our resolutions. What are yours?
Quote du Jour
I told him I wouldn’t reveal them, so that if he ever asked for my advice again, he’d feel comfortable doing it knowing that it wouldn’t be out there for public consumption.
— President George Bush, quoted in New York magazine, on his conversations with President-elect Barack Obama
What Was Up with Rick Warren’s Surprise Visit to West Hollywood?
Rick Warren, the right-wing meg-achurch preacher from Orange County, Calif., who is set to give the invocation at Barack Obama’s inauguration next month, made a surprise visit last week to a thrift store in the heart of West Hollywood, southern California’s gay Mecca, that left a lot of us locals scratching our heads.
Obama’s invitation has catapulted Warren to fame. In just three short weeks, he has become the most famous conservative in California, bar none.
The store, which is a branch of a locally famous chain called Out of the Closet, a non-profit that benefits HIV services, is on Santa Monica Blvd., about three blocks from Pensito Review’s West Coast office. I did not find out about Warren’s appearance there until later, which is probably a good thing because Out of the Closet sells shoes.
TMZ, the television and internet gossip network that is also based nearby on the Sunset Strip, had an exclusive report on the visit, including a photo of Warren with the thrift store manager, Erol Sarabi, that was apparently taken on a cell phone:
[Warren] bought 8 to 10 books, two of which were his own (that doesn’t help with his Amazon ranking). Warren told Sarabi not to believe everything he reads, that he does a lot for AIDS research and was happy that Out of the Closet does free AIDS testing…
By the way, Warren gave a signed copy of his book to Sarabi. The inscription from the Bible, Proverbs 19:21: “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
What Warren was up to here is a bit hard to suss out. Out of the Closet is hardly a gathering place in West Hollywood — thrift stores are not usually hangouts — so if his intent was to make a show of his support for the gays, he would have done better by stopping next door at the Gold Coast, a bar catering to older gentlemen his age, including especially those with his body type.
Just What We Need, Another Conservative Rant Site
I received an e-mail today from something called the Conservative Society for Action. There’s no telling how I came to be on the mailing list, but really, do we need another conservative screed Web site? Especially one that makes Richard Viguerie sound like a level-headed intellectual?
The site has a conservative hall of fame containing, no joke, Thomas Paine, Thomas Jefferson, Howard Taft, Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan. See where they are going with this?
The editorial is pretty predictable. You know, the usual hints at creeping socialism, the failure of the press to be fair, i.e., report the hyper-conservative viewpoint and the typical near-hysterical tone.
But the site, which is run by a Stephen Flanagan out of Brightwaters, NY, does attempt to be a little snarky. You tell me if it works:
We are not kidding. This is REAL!
The Environmental Protection Agency intends to charge a “fee” for flatulence-producing cows and hogs. Farms or ranches with more than 25 dairy cows, 50 beef cattle or 200 hogs would pay a yearly fee of about $175 for each dairy cow, $87.50 per head for beef cattle and $20 for each hog.
Where do you think this rule came from? This is part of of the environmental Marxist movement taking control of Washington. Imagine how proud these nuts are to finally get the Fart Tax passed.
This is pure extremism — the kind of extremism that I bet you never thought you’d see in America! But here it is — the Fart Tax!
BTW … YOU will be the one paying for this with an increase the cost of hamburgers! Imagine that! Capital Hill isn’t even afraid to attack the all-American hamburger!
WANTED: Inventor who can create an EZ-Pass device that will strap to a cow’s butt to charge by the fart. We will patent this devise as “EZ-Pass-Gas”. The market will be huge once the Environmental Marxists realize that people fart too! There’s six billon <sic> people out there!!!
Whew! Pretty funny, eh? I’ve sent Monsieur Flanagan a note suggesting that the CSA (rhymes with Confederate States of America!!) add a link to Pensito Review to foster dialog and understanding. Now that’s funny.
GOP Analyst: ‘The California Republican Party Is Dead’
More evidence that Californians are no longer buying what Republicans are selling:
Even with Prop 8’s coattails, California Republicans lost ground in Sacramento, where Democrats picked up one seat in the Senate and two seats in the Assembly on Nov. 4
“The California Republican Party is dead,” election analyst Tony Quinn, himself a Republican, wrote last week on Fox & Hounds Daily, a political blog. “Call the undertaker, haul away the corpse.”
Others apply a less severe metaphor: dismal health. Either way, signs of doom abound.
Starkest of all was McCain’s loss to Barack Obama in the presidential contest last month by a staggering 3.3 million votes — or a margin of 61 percent to 37 percent. Since 1900, the only Republican nominee for the White House to be trounced by a wider gap in California was Alf Landon, President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s challenger in 1936.
Also alarming for conservatives is the hemorrhaging of Republicans from the state’s voter rolls, even in the party’s longtime strongholds. When California’s election map was last adjusted in 2002, Republicans made up more than half of the voters in 11 of the state’s 173 congressional or legislative districts, and Democrats held 66. Now, Republicans constitute a majority in zero, and Democrats hold 57.
Here is Quinn’s postmortem:
Quote du Jour
As bad as the incident is, in my view, it is a sign that Iraqis feel a lot freer to express themselves.
— First Lady Laura Bush, in an interview on Fox News, on an Iraqi journalist throwing his shoes at President Bush
Is Same-Sex Marriage the Equal Rights Amendment of the Gay Rights Struggle?
Rallying for the ERA, circa 1972
Section 1. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.
Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.
Section 3. This amendment shall take effect two years after the date of ratification.
This might be as good as it gets, for both women and gays.
That’s the Equal Rights Amendment, top to bottom. And while it seems like an inoffensive no-brainer of a statement, in almost a century, it has yet to become the law of the land. Since it was drafted in 1923 shortly after the 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote, the ERA has remained tantalizingly out of reach.
Those who have opposed it, including such icons as Eleanor Roosevelt, have cited squeamishness over the role of women in the military, a threat to single-sex education, loss of Social Security benefits for widows, and even a broadening of abortion rights as excuses not to pass it.
Ironically, the success of the women’s movement of the ’70s and ’80s is largely to blame. So many discriminatory laws were overturned, especially in employment, that the ERA began to be seen as unnecessary. In fact, many post-feminist era young women have no idea that gender equality is not guaranteed in the Constitution.
I predict a similar fate for same-sex marriage.
The 2009 Calendar to Own: 13 Months of Sarah Palin
Just in time for 2009: the Sarah Palin appropriately numbered 13-month calendar, featuring Alaska’s governor and her family on every page. Think about it — you can spend every single day of 2009 discovering a different aspect of Sarah’s life, spotlighted in each of the 50 photos.
Palin pal “professional photographer Judy Patrick, a long time resident of Wasilla, Alaska” took the shots. Isn’t it amazing how many talented people spring from Wasilla? By now, each of the nearly 8,000 residents must have exceeded his or her 15 minutes of fame.
Those who bought the calendar on Amazon are thrilled. Many comments sound like they were written by Sarah herself.
“The calendar includes pictures of the entire family, and I think even some from that big snowmobile race Todd Palin does every year! I’m so excited about it, I’m buying more to send to family and friends! What a great gift! And what a great woman that Sarah Palin is!”
“This calendar is more spectacular that I could have imagined. The photos are beautiful and outside the political realm. It shows Sarah and her family enjoying the great outdoors. What a beautiful family those Palins! I highly recommend this calendar to anyone who loves Sarah. To those non-supporters, you would enjoy the calendar for its picturesque shots of the great outdoors.”
Doubt it. Here’s my favorite comment, a nonsensical rant that ends on a high note. A complete non sequitur, but a high note all the same.
“To those big libs who is fortunate to have the calendar , hold on to it , Remember her Kawasaki eyeglass ? You will be lucky if you can buy it for a thousand . I can’t understand why big lib goes apoplyctic and berserk with Sarah Palin . You need to examine your heads…You critisized everything she does including clothes… I have no problem sending campaign money for her dress allowance and she should be allowed to keep it too. Sarah Palin is our star and beautiful and the lib can’t stand it…In reality , she is a woman of modest means and if she can improve her situation then more power to her…I say to all libs- MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR. let’s live in peaceful co-existence.”
Of course, not all those who considered the purchase were fans.
“Can this calendar be used for toilet paper, because I just ran out of my John McCain election mailings??? ”
“Who on earth buys this? Did any of you hear the Katie Couric interviews? This person is severely mentally challenged. There may be conservative heroes out there worthy of admiration, but folks, Caribou Barbie ain’t it.”
Oh well. For the non-admirers, there’s always the Barack Obama 2009 calendar. Showing a full 16 months, it’s a much better buy.
Why There Are So Few Black Republicans
Chip Saltsman, out standing in his field
As if it bore explaining, we get why Republicans have a diversity problem. Chip Saltsman, who announced his candidacy for head of the Republican National Committee just a couple of weeks ago, has a pretty tone-deaf sense of humor.
The campaign manager for Republican presidential candidate Gov. Mike Huckabee, former chair of the Tennessee Republican Party, and Bill Frist protegee sent out a real knee-slapper of a Christmas gift.
Saltsman on his “Barack the Magic Negro” CD: “I think RNC members understand.”
[Saltsman] said Friday the CD he sent committee members for Christmas — which included a song titled “Barack the Magic Negro” — was clearly intended as a joke.
“I think most people recognize political satire when they see it,” Tennessee Republican Chip Saltsman told CNN. “I think RNC members understand that.”
Chip’s got a point there.* RNC members probably totally get the joke. And that’s the problem.
According to The Hill, other song titles, some of which were in bold font, were: “John Edwards’ Poverty Tour,” “Wright place, wrong pastor,” “Love Client #9,” “Ivory and Ebony” and “The Star Spanglish Banner.”
Now we’re talking funny! I mean, jeez, I didn’t know he dissed all those Cuban Republicans who rule Miami and make up the backbone of Florida Republican fund-raising. I’m sure he’ll get their vote for RNC chair. Hey Chip, just ignore those humorless minority groups and keep on being exactly who you are. Democrats everywhere thank you.
* But if he combs his hair right and wears a hat, maybe no one will notice.
