Like everything, Donald Trump has cheapened the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
He bestows them on creeps and clowns willy-nilly, as if they were presidential pardons.
You don’t have to be brave or heroic,
Or particularly steadfast or stoic,
To earn what we’re now calling the Trump Presidential Medal of Sheep Dung.
In the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, social media is in disarray,
And the right wing’s impulse to control free speech is fully on display.
It’s a campaign of naming and shaming,
Of doxxing and blocking and blaming,
Where the First Amendment only guarantees my right to decide what you can say.
Charlie Kirk’s assassination has ignited the MAGA base,
Which responded with its usual measured calm and grace.
But really, there’s no need to be worried,
For ultimately, justice can’t be hurried,
And the Federal Bureau of Incompetence’s Bongino and Patel are on the case.
About the “highest and best use of the military” there’s some confusion.
In olden times, we’d save ’em for forever wars and the occasional invasion.
But JD Vance doesn’t give a shit
If some Venezuelan civilians get hit,
‘Cause his “highest and best” military use is extraterritorial assassination.
In the Free State of Florida, we does as we pleases.
We don’t believe in wokeness or childhood diseases.
Surgeon General Ladapo provides us guidance,
Proclaiming us no longer slaves to science,
And from those dangerous vaccine mandates he’s freed us.
Being president is stressful, so you need some relief.
But every four days? That’s excessive, good grief!
In the 223 days since the inauguration,
Trump has spent 56 of them in a greensome.
He seems less like a dictator and more like the Duffer-in-Chief.
American business and higher ed cross Donald Trump at their peril.
Crawl if they must — it’s capitulation or bust — or Trump goes feral.
But those are just soulless corporations,
Not beloved bastions of American traditions,
So, in this one case, thanks for bending the knee, Cracker Barrel.
To win the culture wars, right-wingers employ a tautology,
And they back that up with a kind of inverse psychology.
So they’re into film and book banning,
And art and rainbow crosswalk panning,
But stamping out my ideology doesn’t replace it with your ideology.
Florida’s fascists have achieved a new depth of lunacy:
They believe painted streets are liberal advocacy.
At the presser we expected DeSantis to say
Rainbow crosswalks are recruitment tools for gays,
As the Free State of Florida sinks ever closer to idiocy.
Maryland Governor Wes Moore can sure talk the talk,
But his invite to Donald Trump made the old man balk.
You’d think Moore had committed sacrilege
The way Trump threatened to defund his bridge,
But Moore just invited Trump to take a public safety walk.
Trump and the Iranians seem to be in different realities,
Though they share a callousness toward the war’s casualties.
Is Trump insane
Or just insanely vain?
And how can we extract ourselves from his “Quagmire of the Vanities?”
