To be a U.S. Border Protection agent you must be a tough sumbitch,
Able to arrest and detain immigrants or citizens without a hitch.
But then along comes Sean Charles Dunn,
Considered a hero of the resistance by some,
Who bravely stood up to fascist invaders armed only with a Subway sandwich.
On Tuesday Republicans saw an undeniable exposure of their party’s flaws,
And it’s clear that inflation, jobs and the shutdown were the cause.
Despite his obvious culpability,
Trump shirked all responsibility,
Asserting with caustic certainty, “I WASN’T ON THE BALLOT!” (Oh, but he was!)
To counter Russia and China, Trump wants to resume nuclear testing.
But Mr. President, sir, surely you must be jesting!
Those National Nuclear Security Administration furloughs
Means there’s almost no one left to handle the workload.
So the idea of nuke testing without NNSA oversight is most distressing.
For English majors, modern language is getting to be a bummer,
And Gen Alpha‘s vocab seems based on memes and getting ever dumber.
So with certitude and aplomb,
The folks at Dictionary.com
Tell us their word of the year ain’t even a word, it’s a number.
In Florida, shopping at Publix used to be a pleasure.
You could walk the aisles and browse at your leisure.
Now, with “Stand Your Ground” and “Open Carry,”
When shopping for groceries you must be wary,
Lest a debate in the dairy aisle become your “last full measure.”
China used to buy half our soybeans to make stuff like tofu,
But Trump’s tariffs ended that, now what’s a soybean farmer to do?
Ask millionaire Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent,
Who owns $25 million in soybean land for rent,
He told ABC News: “I’m actually a soybean farmer. So, I have felt this pain, too.”
The ranks of prospective ICE agents are swiftly thinning,
With drug addicts, criminals and slobs those ranks are brimming.
Over a third can’t pass the physical test,
And the rest are, simply, not the best —
They cleave to the notion that black Kevlar riot gear is slimming.
Amazon’s going to replace 600,000 workers with robots,
‘Cause you don’t need brains or judgement to pack a box.
From a PR viewpoint the look’s not good,
So execs addressing the move always should
Emphasize the human collaboration and call them “cobots.”
You can always count on the White House Press Office for drama,
Because the comms team’s media relations style is based on trauma.
Ask a legit question, get an insult,
Ask a follow-up and get some tumult,
Or, if you’re S.V. Date, get Caroline Leavitt doing dozens on “Yo Mamma.”
He’s always been a blustering buffoon with a lotta nerve,
And maybe Donald Trump’s the president we really deserve.
But with his little AI video
Trump revealed the REAL shitshow:
Exactly how he feels about the people he was elected to serve.
Trump and the Iranians seem to be in different realities,
Though they share a callousness toward the war’s casualties.
Is Trump insane
Or just insanely vain?
And how can we extract ourselves from his “Quagmire of the Vanities?”
