A new book chronicles the early days after the 9/11 attacks, when Dick Cheney was always reported to be hiding in an underground bunker or a bomb shelter or an orbiting space capsule. Turns out extreme paranoia really did take hold of the vice president.

On Oct. 18, 2001, a White House alarm went off indicating that sensors had detected dangerous levels of radioactive, chemical or biological agents. According to Mayer, anyone who had entered the White House situation room, including Cheney, had been exposed. “They thought Cheney was already lethally infected,” said a former administration officer who had kept the White House secret until now, according to the book.

…It turned out that the detection system had a malfunction and there was no hazard.

But in the days after the incident, Cheney was taking no chances. Eleven days later, Cheney insisted on leaving the White House and retreating to one of his “secure, undisclosed locations,” the book claims.

Cheney and other Cabinet members took turns hunkering down in one of several cold war era bunkers built to survive a nuclear attack. The bunkers, deep underground, were crammed with communications gear and Cheney would stay in what was dubbed the “The Commander in Chief’s Suite,” Mayer writes.

Book: “A sense of constant danger followed Cheney everywhere.”

When vice president wasn’t in the bunker, Mayer claims that “a sense of constant danger followed Cheney everywhere.” The route was altered daily during the veep’s commute to his above-ground office. On the back seat next to him would be a duffel bag stuffed with a gas mask and biochemical survival suit. And a doctor nearly always traveled with him, “The Dark Side” claims.

In case, like me, these images make you whoop with amusement, the next part will wipe away the mirth.

Besides naming himself “Commander in Chief,” Cheney showed other signs he was losing it. The book says he forced Alberto Gonzales to go along with torture for suspected terrorists, allowing a variety of punishments never used previously by Americans.

The book also reveals that a Red Cross report submitted to the CIA concluded that the treatment of 9/11 suspects, admitted mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and Abu Zubaydah, amounted to torture and war crimes.

The Red Cross made its report after being granted access to the detainees when they were transferred to the prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Among the tactics the detainees said they were subjected to: kept naked in a frigid room and doused with water, kept in a small box called the “coffin” for hours at a time, arms shackled over their heads so they had to stand on tiptoes for up to eight hours straight.

Our government has been in the hands of greedy crazies, sadists, and at least one simpleton for nearly eight years. It’s a wonder we are all still here, and that there is any America left to call home.