Day: September 2, 2007

If Fred Thompson Were Running for Least Sincere Candidate, He’d Get Our Vote Hands-Down

Trish
The truck parked in Fred Thompson’s mother’s yard since his last campaign

With summer reruns ending, Fred Thompson is ready to make the surprise announcement that he’s running for president. And as a Republican, too. Who’da thunk?

The big question is, will he pull out the secret weapon this time around? Our bet is yes because it’s hard to get more jaundiced than Fred Dalton Thompson.

As we reported earlier, Fred’s been waiting for Law & Order season 18 episode reruns to end before he announces for two reasons.

One: Big, massive jowly-faced bucks.

Two: To get around the FCC’s equal time requirements.

His opponent said Thompson was actually a “Gucci- wearing, Lincoln- driving, Perrier- drinking, Grey Poupon-spreading millionaire Washington special-interest lobbyist.”

Under the equal-time rule, if a network gives time to one political candidate, it is required to provide the same amount of airtime to his or her opponents. In other words, if Thompson appeared on a “Law & Order” episode for 10 minutes during prime time, NBC would have to give Thompson’s rivals for the Republican nomination 10 minutes of prime time each.

…an NBC spokeswoman said, “If Fred Thompson formally announces his intention to run for president, NBC will not schedule any further repeats of ‘Law & Order’ featuring Mr. Thompson beyond those already scheduled, which conclude on Saturday, September 1st.”

Now that the summer season is over and Fred can begin his “real” campaign, will that red pickup truck parked in his mama’s backyard all these years be revived? It worked like a charm last time.

Early in the 1994 race, after struggling to connect with voters, Thompson decided to lease a used truck and drive around the state in what turned out to be a wildly successful effort to recast himself as a folksy man of the people.

His opponent, Democratic Rep. Jim Cooper, derided the truck as a cynical prop to deflect attention from Thompson’s inside-the-Beltway status. But Thompson was able to shake off Cooper’s suggestion that he was actually a “Gucci-wearing, Lincoln-driving, Perrier-drinking, Grey Poupon-spreading millionaire Washington special-interest lobbyist.”

Thompson ended up capturing more than 60 percent of the vote.

A Taliban truck with women about to be shot in the head at the soccer stadium

Readers of Khaled Hosseini‘s books, The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns, will of course flinch when they see a red pickup. The trucks became a symbol of the Taliban, which used them to patrol for people violating their 7th century rules of conduct.

And the pickups provided ideal platforms for intimidation and enforcement. From their Land Cruisers and Hiluxes, the Taliban were ready to leap down and beat women for showing a glimpse of ankle or to lock a man in a shipping container for three weeks until his beard grew to the approved length. Or, most dismal, to drag an accused adulterer or blasphemer to the soccer stadium for execution.

Fred’s non-stump speeches to date have been all about fear, ala Bush/Cheney. So go ahead, Fred. Drive around in that red pickup. It might be the most sincere move you’ll make in your witless run for power.

Like Its Boycotts, AFA’s ‘Debate’ Will Likely Be Ineffectual

Buck Banks

Donald “The Wildman” Wildmon is touting the American Family Association’s upcoming GOP Values Voter Presidential Debate Sept. 17. Here’s how he describes it:

We’ve heard the questions from talking snowmen. We’ve gotten the crumbs that fell from Chris Matthews. Now it’s our turn. It’s time the candidates answer questions from the largest voting block in America: the values voters. Yes, the values voters.

It wasn’t supposed to be just a GOP event among the presumptive losers. Wildmon invited all candidates, Democrats and Republicans to come to Fort Lauderdale to answer real questions. Of course no Dems are coming, and the list of GOPers who have committed to the event reads like the also rans following the primaries: Huckabee, Brownback, Hunter, Paul, Tancredo and Cox.

What does Wildmon say makes this debate different?

The candidates will be asked questions related to abortion, immigration, marriage and other issues Values Voters consider important.

If you want to see where they stand on the traditional, pro-family issues, don’t miss this debate.

Whoa, there should be a wide array of differing opinions among these white guys in black suits with red ties, setting off a spirited debate among them to see who can be the most right-wing and least tolerant.

Of course, this marginal event is not being broadcast by any television network, but will be streamed live from the AFA Web site.