Canada Reports Positive Test for Mad Cow
TORONTO – A cow from an Alberta farm has tested positive for mad cow disease, officials said Monday. For those of you in Quebec: Une vache d’une ferme d’Alberta a examiné le positif pour la maladie folle de vache.
Iran Threatens Full Uranium Enrichment
VIENNA, Austria – Iran will immediately retaliate if referred to the U.N. Security Council next week by developing a full-scale uranium enrichment program. Let’s get this straight — we suspect the Iranians are developing a uranium enrichment program, so we’re considering referring them to the U.N., but if we do, they say they’ll develop a uranium enrichment program. Sounds like someone’s going to end up with a uranium enrichment program.
Russia Accuses British Diplomats of Spying
MOSCOW – Russia’s main intelligence agency said it had uncovered spying by four British diplomats — using electronic equipment inside a fake rock — and accused them of channeling funds to non-governmental organizations including one of the country’s best-known human rights watchdogs. Ah, the old fake rock trick. Can you blame the Russians for being pissed? Funding human-rights watchdogs is really sneaky.
Polls Open in Canada
OTTAWA – Canadians will determine Monday whether to send their Liberal Party packing after 13 years and give the Conservatives a shot. This, we believe, is the Canadian test for mad cow disease. Results tomorrow.
U.S. Navy Seizes Pirate Ship Off Somalia
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates – The U.S. Navy boarded an apparent pirate ship in the Indian Ocean and detained 26 men for questioning, the Navy said Sunday. Ten were forced to walk the plank, nine were keelhauled and seven hung from the yardarms. Arrrgh!
Bolivia’s 1st Indian President Inaugurated
LA PAZ, Bolivia – Leftist coca grower Evo Morales, a fierce critic of U.S. policies, was inaugurated Sunday as the nation’s first Indian president. Reports from La Paz say the coke-fueled inaugural disco rave is still going on.
