Italian Court Told to Prove Jesus Existed
ROME – Lawyers for a small-town parish priest have been ordered to appear in court next week after the Roman Catholic cleric was accused of unlawfully asserting what many people take for granted: that Jesus Christ existed. Hey, in most parts of the United States it’s unlawful to assert Jesus didn’t exist!
U.S. Rejects Any ‘Truce’ With Bin Laden
WASHINGTON – Rejecting a suggestion by Osama bin Laden of a negotiated truce in the war on terror, Vice President Dick Cheney said there was only one way to deal with terrorists. “I think you have to destroy them,” Cheney said. “And we are aggressively doing that by allowing them to fly airplanes into tall buildings and blow themselves up with homemade bombs.”
‘Evo Fashion’ Hits Bolivia
LA PAZ, Bolivia – When President-elect Evo Morales wore a brightly striped sweater on his world tour, the fashion police howled: “Are we not men? We are Evo!”
Italian Official: World Must Confront Iran
ROME – Iran’s nuclear program is testing the resolve of the international community, and the world needs a unified approach to the escalating diplomatic standoff, Italy’s foreign minister said Friday. In related news, Italy is withdrawing its troops from Iraq — and you can bet it’s not to send them into Iran.
U.S. Allows Cuba Into Baseball Classic
NEW YORK – Cuba will be allowed to play in the World Baseball Classic, after all. But if they break Mrs. O’Malley’s window, they’re going to be in really big trouble.
Man Who Shot Pope Back in Police Custody
ANKARA, Turkey – A court ruled Friday that the man who shot Pope John Paul II in 1981 should return to prison to serve more time for killing a journalist and for other crimes in Turkey. Now that’s justice. It’s OK to put a cap in the Pope, but knocking off a journalist will land you in the hoosegow.
Iran Moving Currency As Pre-Emptive Move
TEHRAN, Iran – Iran is moving its foreign currency reserves out of European banks as a pre-emptive measure against any possible U.N. sanctions over its nuclear program, the Central Bank Governor said Friday. Oh yeah? And where do they think they’re going to spend them rials when the world slaps them silly with trade embargoes?
Chirac Nuclear Comments Draw Ire in Europe
PARIS – President Jacques Chirac drew scorching criticism in Europe on Friday for suggesting France would consider a nuclear response to state-sponsored terrorism. Duck and cover, Washington!
Straw: No Flights Via Britain Since 9/11
LONDON – Britain’s foreign secretary denied Friday that he had withheld any information from Parliament. Jack Straw also said there had been no secret CIA flights through Britain since the Sept. 11 attacks. “Honest. No really, I mean it,” said Straw. “Is this the face of a guy who’d lie to Parliament?”
Whale Swimming in London Lost, Likely Sick
LONDON, England – A whale swam up the River Thames past Parliament and Big Ben in central London on Friday, then beached itself. And we thought Benny Hill was dead!
