New media raider: As has been widely reported in the mainstream media, Knight-Ridder shareholders are calling for the sale of the venerated newspaper chain. Amid the turmoil created by major shareholders, Pensito Review has tendered a sealed bid to purchase the chain.
“When opportunity knocks, we say, ‘Who’s there?'” said Stephen Grabbitt, the long-time corporate raider hired by the Pensito Review editorial board to lead the negotiations. “If we wait, somebody like Pat Robertson or the Rev. Sun Myung Moon will buy it, and that would not be good for America. We’re doing this for our country.”
While details of K-R’s reaction to the proposed deal were not released, a high-ranking staffer reported that upon hearing about the proposal, Ridder family scion Tony Ridder was heard to say, “Pens-what-o?”
Grabbitt, who made his reputation in the early 1980s with the successful takeover of a prominent manufacturer of leg warmers whose name cannot be revealed due to ongoing litigation, laid out a general outline of PR’s business plan should the deal go through.
“To be competitive, K-R newspapers have been migrating more advertising on-line and trying to cater to consumers’ desires to get their news from the computer,” Grabbitt said. “We will accelerate that process, moving all ads on-line and dumping the print editions and their content. All the papers would run the content we produce on Pensito Review, regardless of their geographical location.
“No doubt this will result in some layoffs, as in any consolidation,” admitted Grabbitt. “But our HR team will show displaced K-R workers how to create their own free personal weblogs to market themselves and get in touch with their feelings about the takeover.”
A statement from Knight-Ridder indicated a response to the bid was not expected before the temperature in hell reaches 29 degrees F.