The hilarious, if a little lewd, columnist Wm.™ Steven Humphrey has a message for North Carolina, which passed a constitutional prohibition on same-sex marriage during its recent Republican primary.
Dear entire state of North Carolina: Please forward the following message to your customer service department…In the past, I’ve excluded you from my vicious rants about hillbillies largely because—even though you’re squarely in the South—Clay Aiken was born there. However, there aren’t enough Clay Aikens in the world to make me forgive your recent vote in favor of Amendment 1, which puts a statewide ban on same-sex marriage, partnerships, and civil unions.
This was dumb. Why? …your state still allows people to marry their first cousins. I know, I know, if you were to ban those marriages, half the state would be forced to marry their sister or something.
…[Next], this decision doesn’t do a whole lot for your reputation. In the past, we thought of you like characters from The Andy Griffith Show: quaint, polite small-town folk with strong moral values who, in general, minded their own goddamn business. Now, thanks to your recent…vote, this is how the majority of America sees you:
(Ahem) “MAW!! Git me mah squirrel rifle and that thar jug a moonshine! Them gol-dang Hollywood Jew queers are a-gonna force me to jump the broom [translation: enter into wedlock] with other menfolk! And I ain’t never gonna have no kinda sexual coitus intercourse with no other man!! Unless of course under the following extenuatin’ circumstances: (1) He’s mah cousin, (2) he’s a fat salesman on a canoein’ trip who’s got a purty mouth and squeals like a pig, and (c) ah’m HORRRR-NAY! Yeeee-haw!! Pew! Pew! Pew! [Translation: shooting rifle in the air.] And while I might shove mah goober into his bottom-hole, I shore ain’t gon’ marry him! ’Cause marriage is only ’tween one man and one woman—preferably a first cousin or niece.”
We checked, and North Carolina is indeed one of 20 states, including New York, California, Florida, and Massachusetts where it’s A-OK to marry your first cousin, as long as one of you is a man and the other a woman.
Since all three of the writers for Pensito Review have ties to North Carolina, we were especially disappointed in the vote, even though it was timed during a primary that was bound to turn out more Republicans than Democrats. Like Humphrey, we also have a message for North Carolina, where the election proved what can happen when Democrats stay home. Vote in November, tarheel Democrats, vote!
