My Fellow Americans,
I come to you with a heavy heart. While I have always enjoyed the trappings of the presidency – especially the servants and the planes and helicopters – I am bored with living in Washington and dealing with the Congress and having to read recaps of memos and news stories and watch DVDs of newscasts.
I could put up with that nonsense when I was popular and I could get my way. But now everybody in the world hates me, and the prospect of three more years of this shit makes me tired.
I just want to go home and ride my bike and work on my abs.
Therefore it is my decision to resign the presidency as of midnight tonight.
In parting, I would just like to say this: At least I got re-elected, which the Old Man couldn’t do. Oh – and I captured Saddam. He couldn’t do that, either.
Thank you, and God bless America.