O.J. Simpson has offered his assistance to Pres. Bush in getting to the bottom of the Plame CIA leak investigation. Speaking from a golf course in Florida Tuesday, O.J. vowed to find out who exposed Plame’s identity to reporters after her husband, Joseph Wilson, contradicted Bush’s version of Iraq’s efforts to acquire weapons of mass destruction as the basis for pre-emptive war.
“The real leaker is out there,” O.J. said, “and I won’t rest until we find him and clear the good name of whoever it isn’t.”
Pres. Bush responded warmly to O.J.’s offer.
“I have complete confidence in O.J.’s ability to track down the perpetrators of this dastardly deed,” Bush told reporters. “And if he actually does find the guilty party, I promise to take swift and immediate action, up to and including giving that person a stern talking-to. And I mean that. You can take it to the bank.”
Bush added that finding the leaker has been a difficult and arduous process, one that O.J. will probably be able to extend indefinitely unless he kills someone else and has to go to jail.
“I’ve done everything short of walking across the hall and asking if anyone knows anything,” Bush said. “O.J. has an uncanny ability to look for suspects as far afield as possible, so I know he will be thorough in all the wrong places. Excuse me, I meant right places. Next question.”