Law, Constitutional Amendment Proposed to Ban Democrat Similes, Metaphors

Reacting to the latest in a series of unflattering comparisons by Democrats – this one by Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton comparing Pres. Bush to Mad’s Alfred E. Neumann – a group of Republicans in Congress is introducing legislation to ban both similes and metaphors in any speech, public or private, by any Democrat.

Republicans seek to forbid future comparisons of Bush to cartoon characters by banning Democrats’ use of similes, metaphors, analogies and symbolism.

“We’ve had it with these apt comparisons,” Sen. Bill Frist (R-Sanctimony) said. “No more. If a law won’t get it done, we’ll start a petition for a Constitutional amendment.”

Rep. Tom Delay (R-Hypocrisy) added the method of likening one person or thing with another is distracting from the public’s business.

“We’re running out of ways to appear righteously indignant,” he said. “They’re just wearing us down. That whole thing with the Gitmo gulags – it was tough parsing out the fine distinctions of why that was an outrage. We’ve got to have some relief.”

Asked why the law, which will include analogies and symbolism, as well as figures of speech, would only bar Democrats from making contrasts, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Freakazoid) said such a question was the equivalent of a personal attack.

“That’s like asking why we want religious freedom, but only for Christians,” he said. “It’s like asking why it’s O.K. for Americans to torture prisoners but not for insurgents to. It’s like asking why Bill O’Reilly can have phone sex but not Bill Clinton. It’s like saying gay people are screwing dogs. Wait, that was me. But what are you, like a Communist?”


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