Memo to Readers Regarding the Rapture

MEMORANDUM

TO: Our Readers
FROM: The Editors
RE: Rapture Planning

By now you no doubt have heard that a well-financed group of fundamentalist Christians has predicted that the Rapture will occur at 6 p.m. Saturday, May 21, 2011, heralding the end of the world as we know it.

While we find the prediction to be not credible, we nonetheless believe it is prudent to plan for possible contingencies that could affect Pensito Review operations in the unlikely event that Christ should return to earth tomorrow evening.

Given the fact that it is unlikely anyone on our staff, which is predominantly pagan, would be raptured, we do not anticipate any change to our publishing schedule in a post-Apocalyptic world. Likewise, because most of our readers are heathen liberals, it is unlikely that a large number of them will be taken up into heaven, so we anticipate that site traffic will remain steady.

For those few Bible-bangers who do darken our comment trail from time to time to rail about homosexuality and godless liberalism, we will miss your idiotic commentaries, but will take comfort in the knowledge that you will be sitting on the right hand of God singing hymns for eternity. (Gee, sounds like big fun!)

We do advise readers to take some precautions, due to the danger presented by suddenly driverless automobiles and pilotless airplanes during the Rapture. We suggest you refrain from driving on the highway between 6 and 7 p.m. local time Saturday. It is advisable to remain indoors, preferably in a windowless room, with emergency supplies (flashlight, radio, drinking water, food) at hand. If a windowless room is not available, we suggest following Homeland Security Guidelines for securing windows with duct tape and plastic wrap. Also, it might behoove you to fashion a cap from aluminum foil.

We assure you that Pensito Review will continue to provide insightful political and cultural commentary — as well as pithy limericks — during the ensuing seven years of the Tribulations and right on through the End Times.

Finally, to 16-year-old Grace Haddad, whose mother told her she wouldn’t be going to heaven, don’t worry kid — Mom’s going to have some ‘splaining to do come Sunday morning.

In the likely event that the Rapture does not occur tomorrow, please disregard this memo (except for the bit about the tinfoil cap, which we think is prudent to wear even when Doomsday is not approaching).

The Editors

Connect: