Day: May 20, 2011

Best Day of New Jacksonville Mayor’s Campaign Was the Day Gov. Scott Showed Up to Campaign for His Opponent

Jon Ponder

Jacksonville is a Republican stronghold, but even with that relatively conservative electorate polls show Barack Obama more popular than Rick Scott. That election in Florida’s largest city was not about Obama or Scott, but there’s no question that Scott’s talk about draconian cuts to school budgets and other services helped elect a Democrat arguing that cuts need to be targeted and strategic. One of the best days for Democrat Alvin Brown came when Rick Scott came to Jacksonville to campaign for the Republican mayoral nominee at a Tea Party rally.

– Adam Smith, political editor for the St. Petersburg Times

Memo to Readers Regarding the Rapture

Pensito Editors

art-raptureMEMORANDUM

TO: Our Readers
FROM: The Editors
RE: Rapture Planning

By now you no doubt have heard that a well-financed group of fundamentalist Christians has predicted that the Rapture will occur at 6 p.m. Saturday, May 21, 2011, heralding the end of the world as we know it.

While we find the prediction to be not credible, we nonetheless believe it is prudent to plan for possible contingencies that could affect Pensito Review operations in the unlikely event that Christ should return to earth tomorrow evening.

Given the fact that it is unlikely anyone on our staff, which is predominantly pagan, would be raptured, we do not anticipate any change to our publishing schedule in a post-Apocalyptic world. Likewise, because most of our readers are heathen liberals, it is unlikely that a large number of them will be taken up into heaven, so we anticipate that site traffic will remain steady.

For those few Bible-bangers who do darken our comment trail from time to time to rail about homosexuality and godless liberalism, we will miss your idiotic commentaries, but will take comfort in the knowledge that you will be sitting on the right hand of God singing hymns for eternity. (Gee, sounds like big fun!)

[…]

Rapture Would Help Gingrich Campaign

Buck Banks

The Rapture does happen this weekend, but only Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, and Jeb Bush ascend to heaven. In this scenario, most of the GOP candidates and would-be candidates will be in the clouds with Jesus. Gingrich, a recent convert to Catholicism, probably takes an Amillennial view of Revelations, and will remain on Earth with the sinners. He’ll still have to defeat Tea Party favorite Herman Cain, who may or may not be a charming antichrist figure, but Gingrich will probably be able to take advantage of the fact that most Tea Party-affiliated Republican primary voters will have already raptured.

— Alex Pareene, writing in Salon, looks at the various paths Newt Gingrich may have to winning the Republican presidential nomination, including the Apocalypse.