May 2011 - Page 5 of 15

Memo to Readers Regarding the Rapture

May 20, 2011May 20, 2011 Pensito Editors

art-rapture MEMORANDUM

TO: Our Readers
FROM: The Editors
RE: Rapture Planning

By now you no doubt have heard that a well-financed group of fundamentalist Christians has predicted that the Rapture will occur at 6 p.m. Saturday, May 21, 2011, heralding the end of the world as we know it.

While we find the prediction to be not credible, we nonetheless believe it is prudent to plan for possible contingencies that could affect Pensito Review operations in the unlikely event that Christ should return to earth tomorrow evening.

Given the fact that it is unlikely anyone on our staff, which is predominantly pagan, would be raptured, we do not anticipate any change to our publishing schedule in a post-Apocalyptic world. Likewise, because most of our readers are heathen liberals, it is unlikely that a large number of them will be taken up into heaven, so we anticipate that site traffic will remain steady.

For those few Bible-bangers who do darken our comment trail from time to time to rail about homosexuality and godless liberalism, we will miss your idiotic commentaries, but will take comfort in the knowledge that you will be sitting on the right hand of God singing hymns for eternity. (Gee, sounds like big fun!)

[…]

Rapture’s Bright Side

May 20, 2011May 22, 2014 Buck Banks

The Bible-bangers went and made a prediction
That tomorrow at 6 comes salvation.
For those of our kind
Who will be left behind,
Why, we’ll just enjoy a world with no Christians.

Gingrich: Media Don’t Understand Grass-Roots Big Ideas

May 20, 2011 Buck Banks

It’s going to take a while for the news media to realize that you’re covering something that happens once or twice in a century, a genuine grass-roots campaign of very big ideas. I expect it to take a while for it to sink in.

— Newt Gingrich, quoted by the Associated Press.

Gingrich’s Media Statement, Illustrated

May 20, 2011May 20, 2011 Buck Banks

Illustrator Jon White couldn’t resist taking the colorfully written statement from Newt’s campaign following his rather public pillorying in the press and turning it into a graphic tale of violent sheep:

Gingrich_Statement_Illustration

Rockefeller Discounts Young Adults as Lacking Social Values

May 20, 2011 Buck Banks

It’s my general feeling that people who are 20, 21, 22 years old really don’t have any social values at this point.

— Senate Commerce Committee Chairman Jay Rockefeller (D-WV), quoted by the Los Angeles Times, to a top Facebook executive at a Senate hearing.

Rapture Would Help Gingrich Campaign

May 20, 2011 Buck Banks

The Rapture does happen this weekend, but only Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, and Jeb Bush ascend to heaven. In this scenario, most of the GOP candidates and would-be candidates will be in the clouds with Jesus. Gingrich, a recent convert to Catholicism, probably takes an Amillennial view of Revelations, and will remain on Earth with the sinners. He’ll still have to defeat Tea Party favorite Herman Cain, who may or may not be a charming antichrist figure, but Gingrich will probably be able to take advantage of the fact that most Tea Party-affiliated Republican primary voters will have already raptured.

— Alex Pareene, writing in Salon, looks at the various paths Newt Gingrich may have to winning the Republican presidential nomination, including the Apocalypse.

Dems Raising Twice as Much $$ as GOP

May 20, 2011 Buck Banks

$12.1 million

Amount of campaign donations Democrats raised in April — more than double the $6.1 million that Republicans took in during the same month.

One in Three Pakistanis Believe Their Security Service Knew Where bin Laden Was

May 19, 2011 Buck Banks

49%

Of Pakistanis who were aware of the death of Osama bin Laden believe their intelligence services did not know where bin Laden was before U.S. forces killed him, while a sizable 31% believe at least some members knew, according to Gallup.

Blacker Than Thou

May 19, 2011May 22, 2014 Buck Banks

We thought with the demise of the “Birthers”
That we’d see fewer Obama attackers.
But along comes Cornel West,
With a new racial litmus test,
At the head of a movement called “Blackers.”

On Daniels’ Charisma Deficit

May 19, 2011 Buck Banks

Month: May 2011

Memo to Readers Regarding the Rapture

Rapture’s Bright Side

Gingrich: Media Don’t Understand Grass-Roots Big Ideas

It’s going to take a while for the news media to realize that you’re covering something that happens once or twice in a century, a genuine grass-roots campaign of very big ideas. I expect it to take a while for it to sink in.

— Newt Gingrich, quoted by the Associated Press.

Gingrich’s Media Statement, Illustrated

Rockefeller Discounts Young Adults as Lacking Social Values

It’s my general feeling that people who are 20, 21, 22 years old really don’t have any social values at this point.

— Senate Commerce Committee Chairman Jay Rockefeller (D-WV), quoted by the Los Angeles Times, to a top Facebook executive at a Senate hearing.

Rapture Would Help Gingrich Campaign

— Alex Pareene, writing in Salon, looks at the various paths Newt Gingrich may have to winning the Republican presidential nomination, including the Apocalypse.

Dems Raising Twice as Much $$ as GOP

$12.1 million

Amount of campaign donations Democrats raised in April — more than double the $6.1 million that Republicans took in during the same month.

One in Three Pakistanis Believe Their Security Service Knew Where bin Laden Was

49%

Of Pakistanis who were aware of the death of Osama bin Laden believe their intelligence services did not know where bin Laden was before U.S. forces killed him, while a sizable 31% believe at least some members knew, according to Gallup.

Blacker Than Thou

On Daniels’ Charisma Deficit

Well, maybe I ought to back him, because it would be an opportunity to show that people that don’t have charisma can be elected president.

— Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA), quoted by the Sioux City Journal, on Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels (R).

Poetic Justice

Verbatim

“If you are committing fraud against the American people, all of us in public leadership should be trying to stop it and throw you in prison for enriching yourself off the American taxpayer.”

— Vice President JD Vance, on Fox News.

“Your generation has a great bullshit meter, because you’re fed bullshit online all day. And the Democratic Party brand right now is so bullshit.”

— Michigan U.S. Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed (D), quoted by The Atlantic, speaking to college students.

“We are done, Americans are done with endless conflict in the Middle East, spending trillions of dollars, American lives… this is insane and we have to call it for what it is.”

— Rep. Jason Crow (D-CO), on CNN.

Numerati

+175,000

“The U.S. State Department announced on Monday that it has revoked more than 175,000 visas during President Donald Trump’s administration so far,” Fox News reports.

$4,600

11

30%

A new American Research Group poll finds just 30% of Americans say they approve of the way Donald Trump is handling his job as president and 67% say they disapprove.

61% to 35%