Day: December 1, 2005

Paradigm shift: The editorial staff of Pensito Review was shocked, simply shocked at the New York Times headline, “U.S. Is Said to Pay to Plant Articles in Iraq Papers.” It got our hack hackles up and our journalistic integrities all in a twist to think that the Department of Defense was paying to plant “news” stories in Iraqi papers in order to win the hearts and minds of those Iraqi citizens we haven’t bombed or shot yet.

We agreed with the notion that psychlogical operations, or PSYOPS, is way too important to leave to the Pentagon, whose approach to winning hearts and minds is to attach electrical wires to the genitals directly below the hearts and minds. But employing a public relations firm to serve up storyboards along with fistfuls of cash to harried editors on the Baghdad city desk was just plain wrong.

Or so we thought — until the paradigm shift. In a Rumsfeld-like epiphany, we saw the light. Instead of posting snarky, slanted screeds of suspect accuracy about the right-wing crooks running the country and the neocon nutjobs who support them, we thought, why not take cash to place nice articles about Repugs and thereby allow the conservatives to sway the hearts and minds of Pensito Review’s gullible librul readers?

So, we eliminated the middle man — the PR guy — and henceforth will take submissions and money orders directly from any right-wingers who want to preach their atavistic drivel to an enlightened and intelligent readership.

As part of our, let’s call it a “media kit,” we’ve even come up with a few sample story ideas that we think will appeal to our new customers out there:

“One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State,” by George Bush
“How to Care for a New Kitten,” by Dick Cheney
“Media Relations 101: A Primer,” by Scooter Libby
“I Meant WD-40, not WMD,” by Judith Miller
“When an Insurgent Is Not an Insurgent: Applied Military Lexicography,” by Donald Rumsfeld

If you can think of others, please post them as Comments, since we need all the sales tools we can get to achieve our profit … I mean PSYOPS goals.

As if the gubmint didn’t have enough already: Two Veterans Affairs employees were charged Tuesday with taking kickbacks on the purchase of 100,000 rolls of red tape.

From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer: Joseph Haymond and Natalie Coker were arrested in Murfreesboro, Tenn., and charged with taking bribes for buying the tape, normally $2.50 per roll, for $6.95 each. They got kickbacks of $1 per roll on purchases made between 1999 and 2001, and could each face up to 15 years in prison if convicted.

Haymond and Coker worked at the VA’s Consolidated Mail Outpatient Pharmacy, which mails prescription medicines to veterans. The red tape, stamped with the word “security,” is meant to deter tampering.