Sen. Conrad Burns (l) and Sen. George Allen

Good night, Gracie: The national media is stuck on the meme of “Democrats in disarray” fed to them by the White House political office, even though any dispassionate observer would have to admit that the Democrats in Congress are keeping themselves remarkably gaffe-free and under control this year — especially for Democrats.

Meanwhile, GOP members in Congress, particularly in the Senate, have been acting like a bus load of rodeo clowns, starting with its top two buffoons, senators Burns and Allen.

At a debate last Sunday, Sept. 9, 2006, with his Democratic opponent, Jon Tester, Montana Sen. Conrad Burns told the audience:

“I believe in light bulbs and sunshine,” Burns said. “You know everything about me because it’s all out there on the Web site.”

What Burns meant by this bizarre formulation was that his record is an open book — that he is not a crook. Tester disagreed and “…chuckled, then defended himself by citing a lengthy, rapid-fire list of out-of-state and out-of-country trips taken by Burns, and the multinational corporations from which Burns has taken money.”

Burns’ Nixonian protestation that he is not crook drew boos and cries of “psycho” from the audience.

This is just the latest gaffe from Sen. Burns, who started the campaign season in trouble because his close associations with Jack Abramoff, the GOP lobbyist who has been convicted of bribing members of Congress.

Most notably, Burns has referred to his gardener as a “little Guatemalan man,” suggested that U.S. taxi drivers are terrorists and publicly berated volunteer firefighters who flew into Montana to fight wildfires because they did not do enough to help his rich rancher buddies.

Speaking of Virginia, Sen. George Allen seriously hobbled his campaign for re-election by calling an operative for his Democratic opponent, Jim Webb, a “macaca,” which is a racial slur in Tunisia, which is the home country of Allen’s mother.

The incident has brought to light previous racist impulses in the life of Virginia’s junior senator and former governor — who was born and raised in California — including wearing a Confederate pin in his high school yearbook, driving an old truck with a new Confederate sticker while in grad school and decorating his law office with a noose hanging from a ficus tree.

Allen’s macaca moment, along with the open secret that he plans to serve only two years of the next term before running for president in 2008, have driven his poll numbers down.

But Burns & Allen are just the lead buffoons in the GOP’s senatorial Insane Clown Posse. Here are a few of the others, including a couple of wannabes:

• Outgoing Sen. Majority Leader Bill Frist, Republican of Tennessee, is also running for president in ’08. His baggage as a candidate includes misdiagnosing comatose Terri Schiavo by watching a brief videotape of her, accusations of typical GOP personal financial shenanigans and a dismal record as a leader of the do-nothing Congress.
• Three-termer, Sen. Rick Santorum, the number three party leader in the Senate, is languishing at around 40 percent in polls in his reelection race against Bob Casey Jr. Santorum became famous for comparing homosexuality to bestiality, among other similar statements that took on heightened irony when it was revealed that his communications director is gay.
• Kooky Katherine Harris, whose campaign this year has been a gaffe-a-minute, won the Florida Republican primary with 49 percent of the vote. But a poll two weeks ago showed incumbent Sen. Bill Nelson crushing her, 63 percent to 20 percent with 17 percent still undecided.
• And speaking of kooks, Alaska’s Sen. Ted Stevens showed an even higher degree of cluelessness in one statement than most Capitol denizens exhibit in a month when, on June 28, he said, “The Internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes.” The senator, whose $200 million “bridge to nowhere” became the symbol of pork barrel earmarking in the current Congress, was recently revealed to be the senator who put a secret hold on an amendment that would have reformed … wait for it! … pork barrel earmarking.
• President Bush is flying into Ohio on Sept. 25 to raise money for Sen. Mike DeWine, who is stuck at 40 percent in his bid for reelection against Rep. Sherwood Brown, whose spokesperson said, “President Bush is returning to Ohio to reward Sen. DeWine for rubberstamping each major piece of his agenda, but DeWine has so far spoiled the Grand Old Party by scheduling no public appearances with the president.”
• North Carolina Sen. Elizabeth Dole’s chairmanship of the national Republican Senatorial Committee, has been criticized for her meager recruiting efforts and fundraising results this year.
• Alan Schlesinger, GOP opponent of Ned Lamont for Senate in Connecticut, . Recent polls have shown him in single digits against Lamont.

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