As if you weren’t feeling great enough this morning following the incredible event last night featuring our new president-elect and the country’s first female vice president-elect. Maybe we’re still giddy but the posts on Twitter following Trump’s announcement of a big press conference at the Four Seasons — no, not THAT Four Seasons…well anyway, see for yourself.
From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Ella Gale
I’m the first guy to get a whole circle, it’s terrific. They evicted the Kennedys to put it in. Nobody, and I mean nobody else got this much abyss. Moody Judy Iscariot lives in a studio apartment in Satan’s mouth. Sad! Welcome to Mar-a-Lava.
Look at my pit. I have the deepest pit with the sharpest knives. These other guys, they have shallow fork holes, it’s pathetic. You should have seen how many demons came to my desecration. Packed like sardines. The noise was incredible. Biggest horde ever. They all wanted a piece of me. Good thing the pieces grew back. Very powerful agony!
It’ll take us ten minutes to get across the snake field. Huge hassle, but every time I ask for a golf cart a maggot-eyed horror pokes me with a solid gold pitchfork. Watch. Can we get a golf cart? [A moist crunching followed by an agonized shriek]. They have to send [several seconds of gasping] their biggest and strongest demon because gold is so soft and the pitchfork is so heavy.
Just when journalists are looking at at least four years of trying to come up with synonyms for “white supremacist,” BoingBoing creates a much needed mechanism.
Reading recent coverage of Donald Trump’s friends on the far right, it struck me that even when people pander to the idea Western culture’s wellbeing is inseparable from European ethnicity, they somehow avoid being called white nationalists or supremacists by journalists.
Generate some creative headlines here.
Take the Free Trump Score survey to see how you would fare under a President Donald Trump.
I scored 648, which makes me “A very bad person, sad!” My fate? A stay at the Trump Resort Guantanamo Bay.
Tell us how you fared in the comments.
While campaigning in Iowa, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney proves his sense of humor is as sharp today as it was during the 2012 campaign, as reported by National Journal:
“President Obama went to the bank to cash a check and he didn’t have his ID. And the teller said you’ve got to prove who you are.”
“He said, ‘How should I do that?’ She said the other day Phil Mickelson came in, he didn’t have his ID but he set up a little cup on the ground, took a golf ball, putted it right into that cup so they knew it was Phil Mickelson. They cashed his check. And then Andre Agassi came in. And Andre Agassi didn’t have his ID either. He put a little target on the wall, took a tennis ball and racquet — hit it onto that target every time. We knew that was Andre Agassi so we cashed his check.”
“And she said to him, ‘Is there anything you can do to prove who you are?’ And [Obama] said, ‘I don’t have a clue.'”
“And she said, ‘Well, Mr. President, do you want your money in small bills or large bills.'”
It was side-splitting jokes like that one that garnered Mitt’s inclusion into the “Encyclopedia of Mormon Comedians.”
To mark the publication of Hillary Clinton’s
political ad, er, memoir, TIME magazine has created a Political Memoir Generator that operates off of several time-honored memoir-naming schemes. Now you too can have an aptly — and automatically — named memoir with inspiring cover art.
I tried several different designs and finally chose “Buck Banks: Earnest Grit,” as being most representative of my political career. Share yours in the comments section.
The Onion* proposes the only good solution to the Syria problem.
The New York Times/CBS News poll showed that though just 1 in 4 Americans believe that the United States has a responsibility to intervene in the Syrian conflict, more than 90 percent of the public is convinced that putting all 535 representatives of the United States Congress on the ground in Syria—including Senate pro tempore Patrick Leahy, House Speaker John Boehner, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and, in fact, all current members of the House and Senate—is the best course of action at this time.
“I believe it is in the best interest of the United States, and the global community as a whole, to move forward with the deployment of all U.S. congressional leaders to Syria immediately,” respondent Carol Abare, 50, said in the nationwide telephone survey, echoing the thoughts of an estimated 9 in 10 Americans who said they “strongly support” any plan of action that involves putting the U.S. House and Senate on the ground in the war-torn Middle Eastern state. “With violence intensifying every day, now is absolutely the right moment—the perfect moment, really—for the United States to send our legislators to the region.”
“In fact, my preference would have been for Congress to be deployed months ago,” she added.
*A source for satire.
Pensito Review has acquired a partial transcript of the recent conference call between 20 al Qaeda leaders that was intercepted by U.S. national security personnel and led to the temporary closing of 22 U.S. embassies. The call was first reported Wednesday by the Daily Beast. Here is the partial transcript that we have obtained from an anonymous source close to the investigation:
Hello, welcome to the AT&T Conference Center. You have accessed the al Qaeda network sponsored by as-Sahab.
Your host, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has not yet arrived. Please hold, your terrorist masterminds conference will begin shortly.
To make your conference call experience as productive as possible, please listen closely to the following menu.
If you are a leader of al Qaeda on the Arabian Peninsula, press one.
If you are a leader of al Qaeda in Yemen, press two.
If you are a leader of al Shabab, press three.
If you are a leader of another al Qaeda franchise, splinter group or renegade terrorist cell, press four.
If you are a mullah from an unincorporated tribal area who would like to become an al Qaeda franchisee, press five.
If you are a disaffected American or British subject seeking to join al Qaeda or one of its subsidiaries or affiliates, press six.
Please note that for the convenience of other conference participants, all callers except the host will have their lines muted to reduce the sounds of ongoing firefights, Arab Spring uprisings or U.S. drone attacks that could disrupt the call.
This conference call is moderated. If you would like to join the conversation and denounce the Western infidels, press the pound key and an operator will place your insane Islamist diatribe into the conference queue.
Please hold. Your conference will begin shortly.
Thank you for using AT&T.
(disconnect, dial tone)
There once was a Chinaman named Li,
Who took his pet turtle on a spree.
He disguised the poor critter
As a KFC hamburger,
But could not get it past airport security.
Tis the season, or at least the day, for a little fakery, so here are some headlines that are too good to be true, even though we wish they were.
- Dennis Rodman Promises to Stay Home and Never Visit Anywhere Again
- Sen. Marco Rubio Announces Immigration Reform Planning to Begin “Within His Lifetime”
- Media Sources Pass One Whole Week Without Commenting on Michelle Obama’s Hair or Dress
- Tea Party Leader Explains The Entire Movement is All About Race
- “Plots Involving Vampires All Used Up,” Hollywood Studios Say
- Sarah Palin Tragedy: Chokes on Big Gulp, Trips Over Teleprompter, Lands in Coma
- Fracking Outlawed After Oil Companies Apologize: “We Couldn’t Believe You Let Us Take It This Far. Sorry.”
- Scientists Discover Link Between Increased Sugar Consumption and Weight Loss
- House Republicans Push Assault Weapons Ban
O.K., that gets us started. Please add your own April Fool’s headline in the comments.
Note to my fellow editors: Please add yours in the post.