Day: May 2, 2024

64% of Voters in Seven Swing States Favor Abortion Access

Buck Banks

64%

Time: “Across nearly every faith and in all but five states, a majority of Americans support at least some access to abortion. That’s a major conclusion of a new massive survey of 22,000 people from the Public Religion Research Institute. … In the seven battleground states that are expected to define the presidential race—Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Nevada, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin—a collective 64% of residents say abortion should be legal in all or most cases.”

Fantasy Commencement Address Delivered by Donald Trump at Barron’s H.S. Graduation

Pensito Editors

Photo illustration generated by Freepik AI.

Now that Judge Juan Merchan has allowed Father of the Year Donald Trump to skip his daily court nap to attend his son Barron’s high school graduation, The Daily Beast‘s Michael Ian Black has proposed the following commencement address for the 45th president of the United States:

To the wonderful students of this very expensive private school whose name I do not know, congratulations. Today is the day all of your hard work pays off as we celebrate your incredible achievement. Not as incredible as being elected President of the United States twice, the way I was, but incredible nonetheless.

Your incredible administrators came to me with tears in their eyes to ask if I would deliver a few words of advice as you begin the next chapter of your lives. Perhaps you will attend one of our corrupt universities or join the military to serve this great country of ours, although I have to tell you, some of the dumbest people I ever met in my life were generals. John Kelly, what a disaster. That’s why we need tough generals like the great Mike Flynn who was treated so unfairly by the failing New York Times.

My first piece of advice would be to have me as your father. (Hold for laughter and applause.) Barron knows that better than anybody. Stand up, Barron. Look at the size of that kid. Tallest presidential son in history, they tell me. Even Honest Abe didn’t have kids that tall. Taller even than James Comey, who I had to fire like a dog.

You’ve got to be loyal, kids. Loyalty is everything, isn’t that right, darling? (Turn to Melania.) Our beautiful First Lady is here. No other First Lady in our nation’s history has a figure like hers.

Stand up, Melania. Spin around. Look at that figure, just gorgeous. Can you imagine Ted Cruz’s ugly wife doing that? Not a chance. Sit down, darling, and try to put a smile on your face. Thank you darling. Be best.

Back to the advice. Find yourself a good lawyer. I mean a killer. Preferably Jewish, but not like Michael Cohen even though I did more for his people than just about anybody in history, except Moses. And some very smart people think I did even more than him.
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