From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Ella Gale
I’m the first guy to get a whole circle, it’s terrific. They evicted the Kennedys to put it in. Nobody, and I mean nobody else got this much abyss. Moody Judy Iscariot lives in a studio apartment in Satan’s mouth. Sad! Welcome to Mar-a-Lava.
Look at my pit. I have the deepest pit with the sharpest knives. These other guys, they have shallow fork holes, it’s pathetic. You should have seen how many demons came to my desecration. Packed like sardines. The noise was incredible. Biggest horde ever. They all wanted a piece of me. Good thing the pieces grew back. Very powerful agony!
It’ll take us ten minutes to get across the snake field. Huge hassle, but every time I ask for a golf cart a maggot-eyed horror pokes me with a solid gold pitchfork. Watch. Can we get a golf cart? [A moist crunching followed by an agonized shriek]. They have to send [several seconds of gasping] their biggest and strongest demon because gold is so soft and the pitchfork is so heavy.
Ready to see the mansion? Here we go. [A hissing sound, the whisper of scale on scale, and pained screams]. The failing Democrats would never let you step on this many rare and valuable snakes.
Satan said I scream louder than any other president, even Ronnie Reagan. Look, Satan’s a good guy. He’s a great leader who very much has the respect of his teeming minions. Very tough, unlike Wheezy Jeezy and his Sad Dad. Me and Satan fell in love. No, really, he carved beautiful letters into me with a diamond knife.
As we step inside the mansion, I want you to look at those spikes. Those came from 1400s Spain. Everything is deluxe. We’ve got copies of all the magazines I’ve been on. This is me on the cover of Rolling Brimstone. This is me on the cover of Playboil. I’m one of the only men to get a cover. This is me on the cover of TIME Magazine, which we still get down here.
Ready to see where the magic happens? This is the door to my private punishment suite. Mahogany, beautiful.
[Several minutes of sanity-splitting screaming. Or was it several decades?]
I almost forgot to show you the private dining room. It’s terrific, all they serve is well-done steak with ketchup.