Day: September 20, 2019

Trump Shows Off His Own Circle of Hell

Buck Banks

CREDIT: justplainpolitics.com
From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Ella Gale

I’m the first guy to get a whole circle, it’s terrific. They evicted the Kennedys to put it in. Nobody, and I mean nobody else got this much abyss. Moody Judy Iscariot lives in a studio apartment in Satan’s mouth. Sad! Welcome to Mar-a-Lava.

Look at my pit. I have the deepest pit with the sharpest knives. These other guys, they have shallow fork holes, it’s pathetic. You should have seen how many demons came to my desecration. Packed like sardines. The noise was incredible. Biggest horde ever. They all wanted a piece of me. Good thing the pieces grew back. Very powerful agony!

It’ll take us ten minutes to get across the snake field. Huge hassle, but every time I ask for a golf cart a maggot-eyed horror pokes me with a solid gold pitchfork. Watch. Can we get a golf cart? [A moist crunching followed by an agonized shriek]. They have to send [several seconds of gasping] their biggest and strongest demon because gold is so soft and the pitchfork is so heavy.

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Dems Targeting Over 26,000 Down-Ballot Races Nationwide

Buck Banks

26,849

“Contest Every Race, a new coalition of Democratic groups, is launching a seven-figure campaign to challenge Republican incumbents in 26,849 down-ballot local races,” Axios reports. “2020 is more than just the presidential election. Democrats are getting serious about trying to gain more power at the local level, whether through city council seats, school boards, or state legislatures. … There are 520,000 elected offices in the country. As many as 75% go uncontested, per the group, ceding many of those seats to Republicans.”

Trump Finally Comfortable with His Basket of Deplorables

Buck Banks

“After four national security advisers, three chiefs of staff, three directors of oval office operations and five communications directors, the president is now finding the White House finally functions in a way that fits his personality. Trump doubters have largely been ousted, leaving supporters to cheer him on and execute his directives with fewer constraints than ever before.”

— Politico

Trump Wants Us to Believe He’s Not as Dumb as We Think He Is

Buck Banks

“Knowing all of this, is anybody dumb enough to believe that I would say something inappropriate with a foreign leader while on such a potentially ‘heavily populated’ call. I would only do what is right anyway, and only do good for the USA!”

— President Trump insisted on Twitter that he would never “say something inappropriate with a foreign leader” over the phone because he’s well aware “many people” listen into his calls.